So now that I have published a book, I feel like I am trying to merge two identities, and things might get a little confusing. So I want to have this post explain a little bit about what is going on for any new travelers to the squeaky world of Jess and Paula.

My name is Jessica Smith. I publish under a pen name of Paula Jean Ferri. The two names are interchangeable in my mind though. While I was born as Jessica, around the age of 17, I developed a new lifelong friend, who I affectionately call Paula. Her name is a little more searchable than mine is. Besides, I probably wouldn't have had anything to write about without her, so she became the author.

Feel free to wander the blog and discover a little more about Paula's antics. I am also on Medium writing as often as I can between my three outlets (books, blog and Medium). I would LOVE to hear more about you and any questions you may have. Please send an email to Paulajeanferri@gmail.com.

Last, but CERTAINLY not least... I can't thank you enough for visiting!! I LOVE that you are here and hope to see more of you! Be sure to keep up to date on my website:

paulajeanferri.com

Hello Again

Oh hey there friend. Sorry I missed last week. It had been a long, rough week and I didn't have the bandwidth to do much at all, much less do any writing. 

Thankfully, a weekend of good rest did wonders, and an easier week at work means I am back!!

So lots of good news, this week I filled my Reader's Escape! This is the 4th time I've run this retreat and it has grown each year, but this is the first time I've sold out.

And I still have people asking about it! So I'm considering doing another one in August. Would you come if I did? Comment and let me know.

More good news, I've felt so good this week, meaning my health is improving. After last year and all the issues I had, it's exciting to finally feel like I'm on the mend and improving. 

I had a wonderful experience this week where I saw a mentor of mine speaking on stage and I was so excited to chat with him afterwards. However, I woke up before that actually happened. 

But it left me feeling... grounded. Grateful. Centered. Peaceful. 

This mentor is someone I worked with from about 2016/2017 ish until about 2019. He was the first mentor I really invested in a lot. He introduced me to some awesome key players in my life. Once, he noticed I was having a bad day and he even called me.

However, at the time, I was inconsolable. And then a few months later, my brother was murdered, which put me in a deep, dark hole. 

I haven't actually talked to this mentor since that last phone call in 2019, so he never knew how helpful it really was or how grateful I was for it.

He has gone on to do big things and is virtually untouchable at this point. So I have no way to really communicate with him without spending more than I am comfortable with. So I wrote a letter to him in my journal.

I wished him well and I love seeing him succeed and create such an awesome life for him and his family. I'll always be a fan and cheer him on. 

However, in the past few years, I've noticed a big change in me. One that is no longer wanting to hustle. I'm still doing the same things, but at my own, much slower, pace. 

It's comfortable. Peaceful. Happy. 

I've been studying the biological difference between men and women, and while his program is effective, it is certainly better suited for men. 

The more I lean into my own unique talents and abilities as a woman, I see more success. And it's a much more broad sense of success. 

Not only do I see more book sales, which is awesome and what I was trying to achieve working with this mentor, but I see greater health, I see deeper relationships, I see more of who I actually want to be.

Meaning, in a way, this was actually a bit of a break up letter. 

So it's been a great couple of weeks for me. I hope they have been wonderful for you as well.

And I'm excited to see where this week takes me!

Time and Change and Reminders.

So this week was interesting for me in many ways...

First of all, the changes that Paula has adopted. She has been very active this week and quite loud. My poor coworkers have done a lot of jumping. But over the course of the week, instead of the high-pitched sounds that people around me have come to associate with Paula, they have deepened into my normal register.

Which isn't particularly saying much, I do sing high soprano, but it's getting harder to distinguish between sounds I'm making and sounds Paula is making. 

I can still tell, but my coworkers aren't entirely sure.

So that's exciting.

Second, I had a weird experience with time. I have some eye issues (obviously, I wear glasses). You know how when you accidentally look at a glare, you see that shape and are temporarily blinded? I did that with a shampoo bottle the other day. 

Which sent me into this weird spiral about losing my vision, and how many years I have left to live as I currently do. Not only that, but knowing that is the best case scenario. I've lost several siblings and friends before their time. 

You just never know when your time is up. 

Then I started thinking about how quickly time flies. We are already a quarter of the way through 2024. We are almost a quarter of the way through this century!

I realized the other day that I'm as far from attending high school as I am from retirement. I have never been one to despair about aging. And I do not fear death.

I am worried, however, about accomplishing all of the things I want to and making sure that the most important thing is staying the most important thing. 

It was stressful in a way, but also a good reminder to me. Especially on the week of Easter Sunday. I am religious, so this experience made me all the more grateful for the resurrection and the concept of eternity. 

Book Club

So random fact, Amazon is beta testing book clubs. Excuse me, it's "early access." I've been leading one of these book clubs since late 2021 specifically for Writing & Creativity. 

I'm actually kind of proud that I've been able to keep it running, even if I sometimes have to add on an extra month once in a while. I attempt to update the book every other month. Sometimes it might be 3 months.

BUT, the really exciting thing is I was snooping around the other day. I somehow managed to get 93 members in this book club, and it looks like it's currently one of the larger groups about writing and/or creativity!

Honestly, I'm a little shocked, but excited about it. I'm finally getting members with really great suggestions (as opposed to those who join simply to suggest and promote their own work, whether or not it has anything to do with writing). 

Anywho, I'd love to have you join us! I liked the group above. Can't wait to see you over there!

Downton Abbey

So my husband and I have been binge watching Downton Abbey. it's such a well-written show, with well-thought out characters and so much detail in every aspect of the show. It's actually given me some great ideas for my own writing with Madamn.

However, even though we just finished season 6 (we just have the movies left), there was a quote much earlier on that is still ringing in my head. It was when Lady Mary asks Mr. Drewe to take on the pigs as a responsibility on his farm. Lady Mary says to him, "I'm afraid we've made more work for you."

To which Mr. Drewe gives a wise response: "Work is like aging m'lady. It's the worst thing in the world except for the alternative."

Now, with aging, this is a very obvious statement. Aging is awful and difficult. I've always been surrounded by a lot of old people. Their stories are part of why I love history so much. But I tell you what, it is not for the weak. It is no easy task. But compared to death, yeah, I'll take aging.

But work... what is the alternative? Not working? Funny, that seems to be what most people strive for these days. To do the least amount of work possible. 

But have you also seen the incredible spike in side effects? As a society in general, there is so much more depression, anxiety, corruption. yes, I know these aren't ALL caused by a lack of work. Some may even argue that work is the cause of many of these things. 

But when we look at the historical patterns over time, empires with the greatest amount of leisure tended to have the most corruption and shortly fell into ruin. 

And it isn't necessarily about wealth. Yes, the wealthy were fairly idle, but because they weren't doing any work, they manipulated their way into having others do more than their fair share. 

Basically I want to separate these ideas of wealth and idleness. 

I know plenty of wealthy people who work incredibly hard, pay others a fair wage, and lead happy, fulfilling lives.

And I know plenty of poor people who avoid working at all costs, living off the support and hard work of others. 

Money's not the problem.

Work ethic is.

I find I agree with Drewe. It can be the worst thing in the world to feel like I have to work full time. Especially not in my chosen career. 

But it is absolutely better than the alternative.

It's been amazing to see my life improve financially, which supports my physical, mental, and emotional health and allows me to pursue my dreams much more effectively. 

But when that day comes that I can financially survive without a full time job, you can bet there will still be plenty of work for me to do. I refuse to be idle and place any kind of burden on others without being able to pay them a fair- no, generous- wage for the work they do for me. 

And in turn, I'll be doing plenty of my own work to support others.

History and It's Effect on Today

I've been thinking a lot about history as of late. In fact, my husband, his mother, and I had a discussion about this on our way to Wal-Mart in the next town over. It is no secret that I'm a huge fan of history and the ways that it can teach us to be better humans. 

No, people of the past weren't perfect. I don't want to completely idolize the people of different eras, though I know it might sound like I do on occasion.

But the thing to remember is that they were people. 

They had friends, they had struggles, and they did the best they knew how with the knowledge they had. 

My husband and I have been binge watching a lot of Downton Abbey as of late. Great show. Awesome writing. All of these characters bring forward many of the issues faced during these bygone times. 

In fact, it may even be slightly downplayed. This is a very progressive family for the time period they lived in. 

History has seen some terrible things. I'll not deny it.

But as my wise grandmother told me growing up, "Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater." People were doing the best they could, you know?

There is no way to know what choices you would have made in Nazi Germany, during the Revolutionary war in America, during the Salem Witch Trials, or in those time periods in a very different location. 

It's a little bit like Google Maps. You can take the little yellow guy and drop him anywhere in the world for a street view. What if it had the ability to do the same with time?

The thing is, it can't. Any place and any time that would have been your life would have taught you different values, had different experiences...

Living in the world we live in today, we have the benefit of hindsight. We see the morals and values and like to think we would have done things differently. 

But would we? Really?

All we can do is learn from the patterns that cycle and repeat throughout history.

They are always there. 

I grew up in a religious home that taught me about one pattern in particular that we referred to as the pride cycle. Civilizations throughout time would go through a period of Peace and Prosperity, then fall into Pride and Wickedness. Which then puts the society into times of Destruction and Suffering, leading into times of Humility and Repentance. Which brings us back to times of Peace and Prosperity. 

Around and around we go. It works on the level of civilization, but it works in our personal lives as well. 

It taught me to look at my life and where I was on this cycle, but also to pay attention to what was going on around me. Objectively and without judgement. I know I'm far from perfect. I look to see the times of peace and prosperity or struggle, destruction and suffering.

The crazy thing is that they often overlap. 

Every person is in a different cycle at any given point in time. There were many times when I was in a phase of peace and prosperity, but my brother was struggling, and we would often flip and circle around each other.

So it doesn't work to look at our own individual suffering. 

There does seem to be an inordinate amount of suffering right now, but it is also important to remember what causes so much suffering. It comes from making bad choices.

That's a vague term. Who defines "bad"? 

Well, trick question, I think it can be both individuals as well as universal truths that aren't chosen. 

If I want a certain result, I can make choices that take me towards or away from that result. Which would be the "good" or the "bad" decisions. 

But also, I believe that there are laws that govern human nature and the universe. 

Which is again something we see as we study history and the choices that were made throughout the ages. 

Aristotle is quoted as saying, "It is our choice of good or evil that determines our character, not our opinion of good or evil."

I can only conclude that regardless of what we think is good or bad, there are morals that we choose to follow or disregard. 

And we can see the themes of what those morals are as we study the rise and fall of civilizations across the world and across time. 

Watching from others is how we can then learn how best to make the choices we need to achieve the results we want.

History is important and I'll die on this hill. 

It's Been Too Long

Hey there friends. Sorry I missed last week, I was taking care of my parents last week. At the time, they were both on knee scooters due to foot issues. 

Dad just got cleared to start walking again and Mom is doing well after her surgery last week. 

Then I came home from this week long "vacation" and jumped right into work, before getting so sick I couldn't function. 

So it feels like forever since I have written, well, anything to tell the truth.

Not even in my journal.

Which is horrible.

It's been interesting to kind of watch myself these past few weeks, even before my time off. I've noticed that I don't have as much to say when I do journal. Least of all anything worthwhile. 

It used to be I would journal for hours every day and have some of the most interesting ideas and thoughts come into my brain.

Now it just feels full of cobwebs and muddled at best. 

Working full time is changing me, and I fear not in a way I want to be changed. It's taking real effort to make myself come down to my office to get any work done at all. 

I'm starting to feel... lost. Overwhelmed? Maybe more like disoriented. I'm not sure.

I just know that I don't like it. 

I want things to be simple and clear again. Which isn't going to be easy. 

Luckily, I have the world's best husband who is supportive and knows when to worry about me and what I'm doing to my own mental health. 

We both took some big steps today towards taking care of our mental health. He has his own things he needed support in, too. So here I finally am, writing at 7 pm so that I can get my writing in today. I'll be back to full strength before you know it!

Watch me.