Hello there friend!

Sorry I missed Saturday, I tried and tried, but apparently either Blogger was down, or there was some other tech glitches. So you get a midweek post instead! 

But I've decided I need to get my life together when it comes to working on Madamn. I feel like most of my life has been pretty glitchy. I try and wake up in the mornings, but end up sleeping an extra hour. I make plans, but life interrupts and says, "sorry, try again."

However, I've noticed that I have been pretty wishy-washy in my commitments to begin with. So now I'm setting things in stone and making a firm commitment. I have given myself deadlines and have gotten the ball rolling so that I can keep those.

I've finally hired a developmental editor and am doing a ton of rewrites. 

The thing is, life is still throwing things at me. I've had a ton of pain already this week, lots of meetings popping up, and work getting all sorts of crazy. 

I've noticed the more committed I am, the more these outside forces slow down.

However, today is not the day for these things to slow down. Which means I'm off to get some writing done!

Thanks for being here!

Hello Again

Oh hey there friend. Sorry I missed last week. It had been a long, rough week and I didn't have the bandwidth to do much at all, much less do any writing. 

Thankfully, a weekend of good rest did wonders, and an easier week at work means I am back!!

So lots of good news, this week I filled my Reader's Escape! This is the 4th time I've run this retreat and it has grown each year, but this is the first time I've sold out.

And I still have people asking about it! So I'm considering doing another one in August. Would you come if I did? Comment and let me know.

More good news, I've felt so good this week, meaning my health is improving. After last year and all the issues I had, it's exciting to finally feel like I'm on the mend and improving. 

I had a wonderful experience this week where I saw a mentor of mine speaking on stage and I was so excited to chat with him afterwards. However, I woke up before that actually happened. 

But it left me feeling... grounded. Grateful. Centered. Peaceful. 

This mentor is someone I worked with from about 2016/2017 ish until about 2019. He was the first mentor I really invested in a lot. He introduced me to some awesome key players in my life. Once, he noticed I was having a bad day and he even called me.

However, at the time, I was inconsolable. And then a few months later, my brother was murdered, which put me in a deep, dark hole. 

I haven't actually talked to this mentor since that last phone call in 2019, so he never knew how helpful it really was or how grateful I was for it.

He has gone on to do big things and is virtually untouchable at this point. So I have no way to really communicate with him without spending more than I am comfortable with. So I wrote a letter to him in my journal.

I wished him well and I love seeing him succeed and create such an awesome life for him and his family. I'll always be a fan and cheer him on. 

However, in the past few years, I've noticed a big change in me. One that is no longer wanting to hustle. I'm still doing the same things, but at my own, much slower, pace. 

It's comfortable. Peaceful. Happy. 

I've been studying the biological difference between men and women, and while his program is effective, it is certainly better suited for men. 

The more I lean into my own unique talents and abilities as a woman, I see more success. And it's a much more broad sense of success. 

Not only do I see more book sales, which is awesome and what I was trying to achieve working with this mentor, but I see greater health, I see deeper relationships, I see more of who I actually want to be.

Meaning, in a way, this was actually a bit of a break up letter. 

So it's been a great couple of weeks for me. I hope they have been wonderful for you as well.

And I'm excited to see where this week takes me!

Time and Change and Reminders.

So this week was interesting for me in many ways...

First of all, the changes that Paula has adopted. She has been very active this week and quite loud. My poor coworkers have done a lot of jumping. But over the course of the week, instead of the high-pitched sounds that people around me have come to associate with Paula, they have deepened into my normal register.

Which isn't particularly saying much, I do sing high soprano, but it's getting harder to distinguish between sounds I'm making and sounds Paula is making. 

I can still tell, but my coworkers aren't entirely sure.

So that's exciting.

Second, I had a weird experience with time. I have some eye issues (obviously, I wear glasses). You know how when you accidentally look at a glare, you see that shape and are temporarily blinded? I did that with a shampoo bottle the other day. 

Which sent me into this weird spiral about losing my vision, and how many years I have left to live as I currently do. Not only that, but knowing that is the best case scenario. I've lost several siblings and friends before their time. 

You just never know when your time is up. 

Then I started thinking about how quickly time flies. We are already a quarter of the way through 2024. We are almost a quarter of the way through this century!

I realized the other day that I'm as far from attending high school as I am from retirement. I have never been one to despair about aging. And I do not fear death.

I am worried, however, about accomplishing all of the things I want to and making sure that the most important thing is staying the most important thing. 

It was stressful in a way, but also a good reminder to me. Especially on the week of Easter Sunday. I am religious, so this experience made me all the more grateful for the resurrection and the concept of eternity. 

Book Club

So random fact, Amazon is beta testing book clubs. Excuse me, it's "early access." I've been leading one of these book clubs since late 2021 specifically for Writing & Creativity. 

I'm actually kind of proud that I've been able to keep it running, even if I sometimes have to add on an extra month once in a while. I attempt to update the book every other month. Sometimes it might be 3 months.

BUT, the really exciting thing is I was snooping around the other day. I somehow managed to get 93 members in this book club, and it looks like it's currently one of the larger groups about writing and/or creativity!

Honestly, I'm a little shocked, but excited about it. I'm finally getting members with really great suggestions (as opposed to those who join simply to suggest and promote their own work, whether or not it has anything to do with writing). 

Anywho, I'd love to have you join us! I liked the group above. Can't wait to see you over there!

Downton Abbey

So my husband and I have been binge watching Downton Abbey. it's such a well-written show, with well-thought out characters and so much detail in every aspect of the show. It's actually given me some great ideas for my own writing with Madamn.

However, even though we just finished season 6 (we just have the movies left), there was a quote much earlier on that is still ringing in my head. It was when Lady Mary asks Mr. Drewe to take on the pigs as a responsibility on his farm. Lady Mary says to him, "I'm afraid we've made more work for you."

To which Mr. Drewe gives a wise response: "Work is like aging m'lady. It's the worst thing in the world except for the alternative."

Now, with aging, this is a very obvious statement. Aging is awful and difficult. I've always been surrounded by a lot of old people. Their stories are part of why I love history so much. But I tell you what, it is not for the weak. It is no easy task. But compared to death, yeah, I'll take aging.

But work... what is the alternative? Not working? Funny, that seems to be what most people strive for these days. To do the least amount of work possible. 

But have you also seen the incredible spike in side effects? As a society in general, there is so much more depression, anxiety, corruption. yes, I know these aren't ALL caused by a lack of work. Some may even argue that work is the cause of many of these things. 

But when we look at the historical patterns over time, empires with the greatest amount of leisure tended to have the most corruption and shortly fell into ruin. 

And it isn't necessarily about wealth. Yes, the wealthy were fairly idle, but because they weren't doing any work, they manipulated their way into having others do more than their fair share. 

Basically I want to separate these ideas of wealth and idleness. 

I know plenty of wealthy people who work incredibly hard, pay others a fair wage, and lead happy, fulfilling lives.

And I know plenty of poor people who avoid working at all costs, living off the support and hard work of others. 

Money's not the problem.

Work ethic is.

I find I agree with Drewe. It can be the worst thing in the world to feel like I have to work full time. Especially not in my chosen career. 

But it is absolutely better than the alternative.

It's been amazing to see my life improve financially, which supports my physical, mental, and emotional health and allows me to pursue my dreams much more effectively. 

But when that day comes that I can financially survive without a full time job, you can bet there will still be plenty of work for me to do. I refuse to be idle and place any kind of burden on others without being able to pay them a fair- no, generous- wage for the work they do for me. 

And in turn, I'll be doing plenty of my own work to support others.

History and It's Effect on Today

I've been thinking a lot about history as of late. In fact, my husband, his mother, and I had a discussion about this on our way to Wal-Mart in the next town over. It is no secret that I'm a huge fan of history and the ways that it can teach us to be better humans. 

No, people of the past weren't perfect. I don't want to completely idolize the people of different eras, though I know it might sound like I do on occasion.

But the thing to remember is that they were people. 

They had friends, they had struggles, and they did the best they knew how with the knowledge they had. 

My husband and I have been binge watching a lot of Downton Abbey as of late. Great show. Awesome writing. All of these characters bring forward many of the issues faced during these bygone times. 

In fact, it may even be slightly downplayed. This is a very progressive family for the time period they lived in. 

History has seen some terrible things. I'll not deny it.

But as my wise grandmother told me growing up, "Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater." People were doing the best they could, you know?

There is no way to know what choices you would have made in Nazi Germany, during the Revolutionary war in America, during the Salem Witch Trials, or in those time periods in a very different location. 

It's a little bit like Google Maps. You can take the little yellow guy and drop him anywhere in the world for a street view. What if it had the ability to do the same with time?

The thing is, it can't. Any place and any time that would have been your life would have taught you different values, had different experiences...

Living in the world we live in today, we have the benefit of hindsight. We see the morals and values and like to think we would have done things differently. 

But would we? Really?

All we can do is learn from the patterns that cycle and repeat throughout history.

They are always there. 

I grew up in a religious home that taught me about one pattern in particular that we referred to as the pride cycle. Civilizations throughout time would go through a period of Peace and Prosperity, then fall into Pride and Wickedness. Which then puts the society into times of Destruction and Suffering, leading into times of Humility and Repentance. Which brings us back to times of Peace and Prosperity. 

Around and around we go. It works on the level of civilization, but it works in our personal lives as well. 

It taught me to look at my life and where I was on this cycle, but also to pay attention to what was going on around me. Objectively and without judgement. I know I'm far from perfect. I look to see the times of peace and prosperity or struggle, destruction and suffering.

The crazy thing is that they often overlap. 

Every person is in a different cycle at any given point in time. There were many times when I was in a phase of peace and prosperity, but my brother was struggling, and we would often flip and circle around each other.

So it doesn't work to look at our own individual suffering. 

There does seem to be an inordinate amount of suffering right now, but it is also important to remember what causes so much suffering. It comes from making bad choices.

That's a vague term. Who defines "bad"? 

Well, trick question, I think it can be both individuals as well as universal truths that aren't chosen. 

If I want a certain result, I can make choices that take me towards or away from that result. Which would be the "good" or the "bad" decisions. 

But also, I believe that there are laws that govern human nature and the universe. 

Which is again something we see as we study history and the choices that were made throughout the ages. 

Aristotle is quoted as saying, "It is our choice of good or evil that determines our character, not our opinion of good or evil."

I can only conclude that regardless of what we think is good or bad, there are morals that we choose to follow or disregard. 

And we can see the themes of what those morals are as we study the rise and fall of civilizations across the world and across time. 

Watching from others is how we can then learn how best to make the choices we need to achieve the results we want.

History is important and I'll die on this hill. 

It's Been Too Long

Hey there friends. Sorry I missed last week, I was taking care of my parents last week. At the time, they were both on knee scooters due to foot issues. 

Dad just got cleared to start walking again and Mom is doing well after her surgery last week. 

Then I came home from this week long "vacation" and jumped right into work, before getting so sick I couldn't function. 

So it feels like forever since I have written, well, anything to tell the truth.

Not even in my journal.

Which is horrible.

It's been interesting to kind of watch myself these past few weeks, even before my time off. I've noticed that I don't have as much to say when I do journal. Least of all anything worthwhile. 

It used to be I would journal for hours every day and have some of the most interesting ideas and thoughts come into my brain.

Now it just feels full of cobwebs and muddled at best. 

Working full time is changing me, and I fear not in a way I want to be changed. It's taking real effort to make myself come down to my office to get any work done at all. 

I'm starting to feel... lost. Overwhelmed? Maybe more like disoriented. I'm not sure.

I just know that I don't like it. 

I want things to be simple and clear again. Which isn't going to be easy. 

Luckily, I have the world's best husband who is supportive and knows when to worry about me and what I'm doing to my own mental health. 

We both took some big steps today towards taking care of our mental health. He has his own things he needed support in, too. So here I finally am, writing at 7 pm so that I can get my writing in today. I'll be back to full strength before you know it!

Watch me.

Research Findings!

Today I learned the difference between a family crest and a coat of arms. 

One would think this would be common sense for someone who loves history as much as I do, but don't judge me. There are so many details that it is easy to get lost in the different time periods and locations.

My husband and I were having a conversation about this last night. In all of my schooling, I think most history classes ended with WWII, maybe shortly after, providing a brief touch on the Vietnam war. But it was always rushed at the end of the semester. 

But oh, the history of so many foreign places and the many, many details that are easily glossed over... but I digress. 

In my research for Madamn, I was searching for her coat of arms. Surely a family such as hers would have one. 

Aaaand I found two. Or so I thought. Turns out, both websites had sources to verify their information, I was getting confused by not distinguishing the family crest from the coat of arms. 

So if you are like me and not sure the difference, a family crest is a much more simple design that is often found within the family coat of arms. 

Again, both websites were able to provide sources and verify these images as belonging to the Prondre family, so while the design doesn't seem to match perfectly, I can absolutely see it. 

Prondre Family Crest

Prondre Family Coat of Arms

Sometimes Paula Can Be Sweet... Other Times Not So Much

Wow, what a week! I'm amazed that I have so many Paula stories this week! 

While my TS is often active, it's not often that something "new" happens. Paula has gotten used to her same old tricks. 

After being such a snot to my coworkers, Paula decided to fix her reputation and do something kind of sweet. Yesterday as I was leaving for work, my husband told me he loved me. Before I had a chance to respond, Paula decided to pop up with her version of "I love you.' 

Which means, she had the right tone and timing as if I had said it, but didn't quite get the words. They were squeaks that sounded like I had said it. 

Turns out, she just has her favorites. 

She was super sweet to my husband, but by the time I got to work and throughout the day, Paula became quite mean to me.

My physical tics were all over the place and quite strong. 

I was getting quite sore from the repetitious moving and jerking. Looking back, it might have been due to the caffeine I had that I don't usually consume. For this very reason. However, I hadn't slept well the night before and was worried about being able to, you know, function. 

Luckily, turns out I was able to find something that helped by the afternoon. 

Once upon a time, I got really into essential oils, so I have a bunch, mostly collecting dust because I don't use them too often. However, I happened to have a small bottle with me since I had also already woken up sore and was willing to take a bottle just to see if I could get my muscles to relax. 

Since I didn't know what I would need, I just grabbed the whole box of 10 oils I have and ran out the door to work.

I put on some Frankincense oil when the tics started to get really bad and to my great relief, things calmed down AND I managed to stay awake and function during the rest of work. 

I might have to carry this stuff around more often, just in case.

Bonus Post! Paula's a Jerk

I know I usually post on Saturdays, but today Paula was a bit of a jerk, but it was also kind of funny and I had to share. 

Today at work, a couple of ladies that I work with where talking about a customer. While one of them (we'll call her V) was at lunch, the customer was shocked to learn that V is retiring in April. They even went so far as to say, "But she's younger than I am and I'm not retiring! She's younger than YOU and YOU aren't retiring!"

This was said to another coworker (we'll call her J), who is retiring next year because she is, in fact, a year younger than V. 

So as J and V were discussing this conversation, J says to V, "It's because you have less wrinkles than I do..."

At which point, Paula jumps in with her "laughing" tic. Luckily, neither J nor V heard this outburst over their own conversation, but the entire group of ladies that I work with turned to me with wide eyes and open mouths.

My own eyes bulged as I turned deep red, covering my mouth as soon as I realized what was being implied. I was so embarrassed!

Playing the Part

Wow, how has it been another week already? I might be one of few people who feels like January has flown by.

There are times when I feel like working a full time job really constricts my ability to do the things that I want to do.

I want a clean house, I want a finished novel, I want to wake every morning without an alarm and feel rested, I want to exercise and cook better meals, I want to be out in the sunshine now that we are having a mini heat wave.

My time feels so limited and I'm amazed at how much of a physical adjustment this really is for me. It is helping me to become more focused during the time that I do have and I can be much more productive, but it is still really hard some days to make myself go to work. 

I even quite love my job. Had I started working at a bank before I published a book, I might still be saying, "Someday I'd like to publish a book."

It's so easy for me to feel confused and conflicted these days and I'm still trying to figure out so many things. 

It can be really hard to carve a space for yourself when there are so many boxes already created. The banker box, the writer box, the wife and mother box...

I want all of them. So I have to do some heavy renovations, which isn't always easy. 

Some days it just feels easier to allow myself to slide easily into one of the pre-arranged boxes and simply play the part. 

But I've seen better. And I want that.

I'll keep you updated as I try to figure out a better way to do this, but for now, I'm exhausted and it's a lot of hard work.

Madamn Update

I don't think I had any idea just how much went into writing a novel.

Sure, I've written and published 4 books, but they were nonfiction. Those were relatively easy.

There is so much more to writing a novel, especially a historical fiction one. I spent so much time today just trying to get a decent timeline aligned. 

There are so many details to cover. In chapter 1 alone, which I spent this morning working on, had to make sure I lined up ages with Napoleon's 100 days and the leading up to the battle of Waterloo, learning that the summer of 1815 felt like winter due to a volcanic eruption in Indonesia. 

I had to change the year and a few detailed lines of description and dialogue before I could even worry about the character's introductions and personalities and leading into character development. 

This novel is important to me. I want to get it right.

But wow does it hurt my brain sometimes. 

And I worry about how long it is going to take me to finish and to get it released. Originally the plan was to release it August 22 of 2023. Which I obviously missed. 

August 22 is my main character's birthday and I want to publish it on that day. Will I make it by 2024? I'm no longer sure. I thought another year would be enough time, but some of these details just don't add up. Not to mention the lack of detail I have to add to the descriptions, the character development, etc. 

Pray for me. 

Send help.

Something. 

Paula Strikes Again!

It's been a long time since I've done a Tourette story post. 

So the fun thing about working a new job is having new stories from new people as they get introduced to Paula and get used to her. 

I've been at this new job now for about two months. Some people are already getting used to her. For example, my supervisor Amanda asked to meet with me for a check in and to see how I'm doing with onboarding and touch base about how I'm adjusting and fitting in, which left Bethany alone on the teller line for a few moments.

Amanda was telling Bethany where we would be if she needed us, but told her, "Don't yell for us though, I'm so used to Jessica screaming that I just ignore it now."

This has now become the joke around the office, don't yell, we'll just think it's Jessica or Paula screaming and ignore it.

I love my new coworkers.

Off to an Ambitious Start

New Year's Day I got ambitious. 

I downloaded a new app on my phone so I could scan and have a record of all the books that I own. I've been buying a lot of duplicates and I don't want to do that anymore.

Problem is, I already have a LOT of books. 

So far, I have scanned 836 TITLES, as in, that's not counting the duplicates I have found.

The crazy part is, I am not done. 

Even crazier, the app won't really register all the journals that I have, both full and empty. I have in my possession 21 journals that I have filled. Those are just the ones here with me, not currently with my parents. 

And it doesn't count the empty journals (or notebooks) that I also have. I haven't counted those yet, so I don't know what that number is. When I have a total, I'll let you know, but for now, this project consumes me. 

Short entry today, but I have to know my final total!

The curiosity is probably the only thing making me move forward on this project, because I'm kind of over it...

But at least it will be done and I will have a record of all my books!

Scanning them as they come in will be MUCH easier to deal with.