So remember how on not so awesome days, my shoulder tic causes problems? Well, the other day, I heard my neck pop and decided Paula just sent me to the doctor. I went to visit my chiropractor, Dr. Matt Wood. PS, he is a miracle worker. If you live in the Salt Lake Valley, I highly recommend him! I explained to him what happened. He knew about my TS, and he knew about Paula, so he just went right to work.

After he did the adjusting, he uses a small machine that pounds on my back. I wish I knew what it was called! As he is using this machine, my shoulder decides to go off again. Luckily, this was a small one and did not completely undo everything he had just done. It must have scared him though. He turned off the machine and I could feel him step back and put his hands in the air. He must have thought he broke me or something. As often as I see him, he had never seen Paula and still has not heard her.

I was so touched by his concern though. When Paula doesn't make me laugh, she at least knows how to make me feel loved and cared for. He asked if I was ok. He asked if I needed to start over and get re-adjusted. He asked several more questions along the same lines as he pretty much walked me out of his office.

On the not so nice days of Tourette Syndrome, it's good to know I'm not alone in my fight. Not only do I have the support of my amazing family and awesome friends, but I have the support of people I barely and casually know. Yet another reason Paula is a favorite.

Paula's Interview

I have some really wonderful friends! I love how much they love and accept Paula, despite the problems TS can sometimes cause. I will post more about that soon, but today is a fun story. So I have been blessed to become a part of the cast of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It has made me several new friends and lots of great new stories as my new friends discover Paula's personality.

One such attempt happened last night. My new friend Kirstin decided to interview Paula. It was the perfect time to do so, as she has been incredibly active the past couple of days. The interview went something like this:

"What are Paula's thoughts and feelings on.... Trump?" *Silence*
     Guess she doesn't have any. She must not be one for politics. That's ok, I'm not a fan, either.

"What are Paula's thoughts and feelings on... worms?" *Silence*
     Oh wait, Paula decided rather than speak her feelings, she would show them. My shoulder jerks forward. It looks like a shudder. Paula must not be a fan...

By this point there are so many laughs that we don't have time to finish the interview. However, at least we learned one very important fact about Paula.

She does not like worms.

Not even cute cartoon ones?

Accountability and Passion

Below is a copy of a letter I sent to a couple of friends as a weekly check-in. I started telling my accountability partners about my week and about any progress I had made on my book and I got a bit carried away...

My New Year's resolutions this year all funneled into this idea of consistency. This is my overarching goal for the year. (New Year's is kind of my favorite holiday and I tend to celebrate at least at the beginning of every month) This is something I realized I have slacked on in the past few weeks. As we approach month #5 of 2016, I realize how off track I have gotten. I have lost the resolves I felt at the beginning of the year. I may still be going through the motions, but I question if my own resolve is really behind the actions.

I want to place a thought in you. I'm not going all Inception on you, I promise. It is however, something I have been thinking about. Remember when we first signed up for SPS? When did you sign your contract with yourself? I was looking at mine taped to my closet door today. I signed it in August. I was so excited to finally do what I had been telling myself was, "someday." Sadly, I think I have fallen back into this mindset. Complications arise and I have no clear set and solid date for publishing. I have gotten lax. 

This week, staring at that contract, I remembered. I remembered I am a writer. I am going to live like one. We just had a guy at work have his last day. I am incredibly jealous of him. Not because he left, but why. He managed to save enough money to have at least two months of living expenses. That was two months he would not need a job and could focus solely on his art. Drawing. Painting. His passion. Again, SUPER jealous of him! While not everyone may have that luxury, it is no excuse. He is an artist and chooses to live as such. I can do the same, even if it is on a smaller scale. I like my job, and I still need to work. But I am a writer. 

Coming back to my love of the New Year. I did not just set a goal. I was resolved. I made a promise to myself on New Year's of what I was going to do and who I was going to be. If I want to be a writer, I need to be consistent. I need to write.

This week, since I am unable to progress much farther on my current project due to insufficient funds (something I have accepted and am working to remedy), this does not, I repeat, DOES NOT!- allow me the excuse to stop writing. To stop doing something that I am passionate about. This week, I had a dream. A really weird dream... that actually would make a fun idea for a novel. This week, I started to write again.

I am writing, and I tapped back into that passion and the words are flowing! Sometimes, it's not even for my novel! The words are flowing and I am again writing. And it Feels. So. Good. 

It is coming out in my journal. It is coming out in letters to friends and family. It is coming out in books. It is coming out even in notes that I leave in work. They are long and detailed. It is such a release for me to get details out! I notice details. I see them, I hear them. I feel them. Sometimes it is overwhelming how many details I take in each day. 

But as I sit, with whatever medium I have on hand at the moment, the details come, flowing like water. Cool, clear, refreshing water. And I feel good, despite stress at work, despite exhaustion, even despite weighty matters on my mind like finances. I feel good doing what I love, being consistent and moving forward towards my goals. My Dreams. 

I may feel stuck in many areas of my life, but I still have those dreams. I still have my passion that I can hold to. It lights me. It fuels me, getting me through each day. No more excuses. No more saying I am working on my book, when in reality, I am on social media. Despite my best intentions to be trying to promote my book, it still feels a waste of time. 

I don't want to be a marketer. I understand it is important. The reading articles and books on business and promoting my book and platforms and how to use social media.... They are good. They are important. They are even necessary. But they are not essential. My writing is essential.

What is the difference between necessary and essential? They sounds the same, right? Not so much. Necessary are things like going to work. Eating. Sleeping. Surviving. Things that can put us in a grind. Essential are the things that make the essence of who we are. What we love. What motivates us. Essential are things like family relationships, and for me, writing and music -dancing and singing. Without these in my life, I lose the essence of who I am. I survive for a time, but never fully live!!! 

I was offered several times this week large amounts of overtime at work. In response, I quote the words of my dear wise friend Sid the Sloth when I say, "No sthanksth, I choosth life." (Ice Age- great movie. Very underrated) While the funding may be helpful right now, it is not worth the added stress, frustration and distraction from the things that are essential in my life.

Work revolves around and funds my writing, my writing is not a side project I work on around my work schedule.

Going forward, I want to check in with where my resolve is. I do not need to check in with my actions, if I keep my resolve in place. I want to continue to feel the passion that flowed from my fingers for the past hour in writing this. This is who I am. If I want to be a writer, this is what I need to remember through ups and downs. This is the life I choose.

Paula is Curious

Well, here is a trait we share in common! I have always been the curious, studious type! I love learning. If I could afford to go to college for the rest of my life, I probably would. It took me six years just to get a Bachelor's degree! Yesterday, Paula showed her inquisitive side. She reminded me of a five year old actually.

At work (where else?) Paula decided to pop up and mutter some jibberish. My dear friend Kimber said, "No Paula." To which Paula not only used a new word, but asked an innocent, "Why?" I have never heard her use this word before, and has yet to use it again, but I wouldn't be surprised if she did. I would also not be surprised if she continued to use it in context. She still uses "what" quite well... but that is another post for another day!

Paula is the Extrovert

I have been reading a great book lately about being an introvert. I am an ambivert, but I am pretty sure at this point that Paula is the extrovert and I am the introvert. I am a writer and a reading and I love people watching. I was always a shy, quiet kid who never interacted much with my peers.

When I got to high school, like most teenagers, popularity suddenly became important. The older I got, the more I loved being around people and I suddenly could pass as an extrovert. However, every once in a great while, I need a retreat. I need to hide from people, as much as I love them. I am almost exactly half and half of both these worlds.

I find it interesting that around the time I started making attempts to pass as an extrovert is about the time Paula came into my life. She certainly loves being the center of attention and is really good at getting that attention. 

On the other hand, after spending all day talking to people at work, talking on the phone to contractors, going to rehearsals for the musical I am in, my weekends tend to be gloriously empty and I pretty much don't even leave the house if I can help it. I need to recharge and have some time for me to think and ponder and to allow the introvert in me to recover. She certainly brings a sense of balance to my life!

Homing Pigeon

Remember how Paula loves Adelana, my coworker? There have been more changes at work. No big surprise, it's a start up company. Things change all the time. However, it meant that my department- including Adelana, who sits next to me, had to receive some up training. As she was sitting in another room for training, Paula showed up. All of a sudden, I have a message pop up from Adelana. "Paula! Shhh!! I can hear you all the way over here!"

I got a good chuckle out of this. Paula has quite the range as far as distance when it comes to being heard. I responded with, "She just misses you! She just wants you to come home." She quieted down once Addy came back. Paula sure loves people and keeping them close!

Confessions

I watched a video today. It broke my heart. It was a ten minute video a guy with Tourette Syndrome posted about his life. There were so many times when I absolutely related to what he said. There are other times that I couldn't. His case is so much more severe than mine. It almost makes me feel like I do not suffer enough with my Tourette Syndrome in a weird way. Like I am less because I don't have to deal with as much as he does. I understand this is not true, but the heart and mind don't always match. The video is just so honest and raw.

Don't get me wrong. I do love Paula. I do enjoy having Tourette Syndrome, but there are some days that really are hard. There are something that terrify me. I hate driving. I don't mind it if I am on a freeway I have travelled a lot. I am terrified of stoplights. Every. Time. I hate being on roads I am unfamiliar with. Getting lost makes me tic more. When I tic and drive... my tics get more physical than vocal. Which is why I hate stoplights. I need to blink more. Blinking is not the right word. My eyes clench. Or I have to rub my eyes. They need pressure. How they get that pressure is irrelevant. Problem is, I am then terrified the light is going to change while my eyes are not on the road. I try to keep them open til I am past the light, and as much as possible. It's not easy by any means.

I love my car. It takes good care of me.

I still drive. However, any chance I get, I will hitch a ride with someone else. Especially when going to a new location. I am also willing to offer rides as well, it's only fair after all. Doesn't mean I like it much. I am however, glad to know I am not alone in TS affecting my driving confidence.