Story time.

Life is at an interesting point right now. I have been slowly growing the amount of things on my plate.

I start a new job next week, I have the Reader's Escape, Madamn, a blog that I'm trying to update more often, I took a gig writing some copy, another doing some virtual assistant work, plus another project I'm working on and not ready to talk about yet.

That's just work. Then I have an apartment to keep clean, dinners to make, and a husband to take care of. Oh, and a choir to lead, a Christmas program to put together, and other church duties.

Yesterday I hit a moment where I felt beyond capacity.

I was running in circles and nothing was getting completed. Not to mention the tension led to all sorts of residual pain from being in two car accidents just this year.

But you know what?

I love it. All of it.

For the first time in MONTHS I have felt like myself again. Keep in mind that is not on days like yesterday. There needs to be some form of organization so I know what to tackle first.

But I love being so involved in projects that help others and that in some small way make the world a better place.

It can be such a delicate balance though.

I have been so frustrated the past few months feeling like I didn't have much purpose or real motivation.

Now that I have an over-abundance of that, I have to make sure I have time to slow down.

Which is why this bed is calling my name at the Reader's Escape. I'll be there in just 3 short weeks.

Booking closes today, I'd love to have you join me.

Happy Monday! Gratitude and Connection

 Good morning dear friends! Don't you just love Mondays?

Ok, I get not many do, but I love the fresh start to the week. Feeling like I can start fresh. Sometimes I need that. Just let go of all the chaos and start with something I can handle. Like a blog post.

Sometimes I worry about what to write about. I want to keep being consistent, because I always see the best results when I do that. Sometimes I just don't feel like I have much to say.

Today I do though. I just want to thank you for being here. 

I've been thinking a lot about connection and how important people are. I feel like the world we live in is growing more and more isolated. Maybe it's just me. 

But I watch people fighting over politics and not wanting to leave the house so they use grocery delivery or order takeout and shop online. We binge our favorite shows and avoid human contact except with a few chosen favorites that we somehow found over the years.

I've been pretty reclusive myself as of late. I've been so focused on getting work done. Work that excites me, and that I feel the need to get done sooner rather than later. 

It's interesting to me to then see myself in social interactions, at church, running into someone at the grocery store, etc. and seeing how chatty I get. I need people.

In fact, human beings are social creatures and we are wired for social interaction. But it's tragic to me that people are willing to deal with the side effects of not having that sociality.

Connecting with others allows us to be more emotionally stable. Talking with others allows us to vent, to grieve, express joys. 

Have you noticed an increase of anxiety in the world today? Maybe even in yourself? I wonder sometimes how much of that comes from not feeling like we can trust anyone.

The more people I connect with, despite (and sometimes even because of) our differences, the more I realize that there are a lot of good people in the world. We aren't perfect, but we are all trying our best. That gives me so much hope and helps quell a lot of my own anxiety that I feel on occasion. 

I'm also someone who loves and needs a lot of hugs. I've noticed that having a husband and increasing the amount of hugs I get daily has helped me in so many ways. 

Also, can we talk about dating for a second? It's hard to be alone. I was single for a very, very long time. Dating was incredibly difficult and frustrating and I hated it so much. But now that I'm with my husband, it was so worth every bad date and every heartache I felt.

Yesterday in church, my mind wandered a bit. Quite far from the lesson actually. I'm not even sure how I got there, but I thought of history and how we went through a phase where we thought "separate but equal" was a good idea. It's not, and luckily, we kind of learned that lesson. But did we really?

Back then, it was a forced separation based on race. Now, we willingly separate ourselves from others, resulting in a loss of communication and unity. 

Spoiler alert: this isn't any better. To separate ourselves based on different opinions, thinking there is only one right answer and that we have it is not going to work. It's dangerous. 

The only way we can really grow and learn is if we are stretching ourselves outside of our comfort zones, getting to know people and how they think, and figuring out how we can work together. 

It's frustrating and hard and sometimes even painful, but it is necessary. Separating ourselves from others for any reason means we are going to miss out on that person's unique gifts, their knowledge and wisdom from their unique life experience. 

We are cutting ourselves short. 

We cannot be separate but equal. There is no equality in separation. It leads to a lopsided stagnation. 

I, for one, don't want to live that way. 

Over the weekend, as my husband was leaving to go to work, he saw a neighbor working on a vehicle. All Erich said was, "Well that doesn't look like fun."

They started discussing what was going on and the man complained of having to pay $1200 for new tires and how expensive things have gotten. Erich mentioned I had some tires from my vehicle that had been totaled in my last car accident. Really good all-weather tires that we were willing to sell for $300 just to get rid of them.

Mind you, I had been trying to sell those tires online for three months. Erich did it in 10 minutes with a conversation. 

Turns out, this guy was simply visiting his son, Zac, who is our neighbor that we have seen, but never spoken to. Now my husband and Zac have hiking buddies and will stop hiking alone. He also happens to be a physical therapist and he showed me a couple of exercises I can do for my neck and shoulders. 

It's been less than a week and I already feel a huge difference.

We needed this neighbor and we had no idea. He needed us and didn't know it. Zac's dad has been so worried about his son who always reports he hasn't really met anyone new. 

My husband and I plan to invite him to dinner next week.

Do me a favor today, will you? Go out to get groceries, or dinner, or the post office, or something. Find an excuse to talk to someone new today. Say hi to a neighbor. There's plenty of people that work customer service. Strike up a conversation and say hello. 

It's amazing what a simple conversation can lead to.

Twists & Turns

Plans change and life takes a lot of twists and unexpected turns.

I never deleted the countdown I made on my phone for the release of Madamn. Originally the plan was to release it this week.

And I am just not there yet.

But I really want to release this book on Ernestine’s birthday. Meaning it will be another year before it is published.

Just think of how amazing it is going to be with a full year to really focus on the quality of the book, not to mention how much time I have to gather momentum for the release.

The future brings me so much excitement that I wake up every morning ready to greet the sun and get to work.

This book has been 7 years in the making.

No, I haven't been writing it that long, specifically, but I have written and published and learned and connected and studied...

That's 4 other books, thousands of dollars worth of education and study, countless hours spent, and probably billions of words written at this point. Between my blog, journal, books, edits, and rewrites, it may even be trillions.

And now it is all coming together so beautifully.

Most people don't know what it takes to write and publish a book. Quite likely because it takes a lot of time and effort that you have to be really committed to give.

I didn't realize what I was getting myself into with that first little book of mine. Luckily, I had most of it completed in college (it was originally a college research paper that I presented to my professors). I got a lot of feedback and support on it.

After that, I got hooked. Addicted. I'm kind of a junkie for the rush of publishing my books. It takes an awful lot of work to get to that point, but I NEED it. I LOVE it.

Which is another reason why I'm so bummed that I had to put this off. But I also know this book is going to be bigger than I could have imagined. This book is going to change my life.

Since I want it to change for the better, I need to make sure I'm putting all the good stuff in.

Garbage in, Garbage out, right? Meaning the inverse is also true.

This book is going to be amazing and I'm so excited for the world to love it as much as I do.

The Difference A Year Can Make

 Fun story, I was supposed to publish my book tomorrow. It's a weird feeling knowing you are passing a deadline and you didn't make it in time.

Truth be told, I've known for a few months I wouldn't make it. Life has been a bit chaotic for me, hasn't it?

Which kind of makes it all the more surreal. 

Tomorrow is Ernestine's birthday. I wanted my book to be published on her birthday as a kind of gift to her. So I couldn't just delay the book by a few months. No, it has to be a full year for the publication date.

But I can already tell how much better this book is going to be as a result. 

It's nice to focus on quality for a change instead of simply trying to churn out books. 

I recently read about a woman who has a world record for the number of books written in a year. It's 23 if you were wondering. 

A book almost every two weeks. Over the span of her life, she wrote 723 romance novels. 

I went to my local library and asked about finding a book of hers and if they were even any good. I was promptly told they were quite terrible and not to waste money trying to find one. 

At first glance, we say, "Wow, that's amazing that she was able to accomplish so much!" However, upon closer inspection, we watch this woman's name fade from history. 

Crazily enough, she isn't even the record holder for most books written. 

But if you were to look at articles written with the 50 best authors, she isn't there. We find names like Jane Austen, who wrote a total of 7 books, or Agatha Christie who wrote around 75 novels or Ernest Hemingway wrote published just 15. 

My point is, the number of books isn't important. The quality is. 

Even if you are looking to grow rich and/or famous, it's more about the quality of the book.

J.K. Rowling is the first author to become a billionaire and is incredibly well known. That happened almost entirely because of the Harry Potter series (a total of 7 books) that because they were so good were expanded into several movies, a theme park and several more books as a spin off. As of this writing, she has a total of 24 books written. 

I currently have 4 published works. I love my little books and am quite proud of them. But the quality of them isn't near what Madamn will be. Madamn has taken longer than these 4 books combined already. 

Then again, my first 4 books were a learning experience for me. I am proud of them, but I don't promote or sell them like I should. 

They were leading me to where I am now. 

Madamn is the kind of book that is going to shake the world. It's going to do incredibly well, I can FEEL it. 

I don't dare compare myself to writers like Harper Lee, who only published one novel during her lifetime, with a second published after her death. I don't know that Madamn will be quite as influential as To Kill a Mockingbird. 

But I do know that by giving myself and extra year, I'm giving it my all and giving it my best. This novel is 3 years in the making. 

We'll just have to see where it goes from there.

Plant Life

There has been an interesting change happening in my life the past year as I have focused more on Madamn.

I have suddenly become obsessed with plants, especially flowering plants.

What is even more fascinating to me is hearing stories of my great grandmother was quite brilliant with flowers.

Not only did she have flowers growing on all 4 sides of her house at least a foot deep, but she even managed to have flowers (I think it was irises?) that grew in the cracks in the sidewalk.

I grew up thinking I was terrible with plants, but I really just didn't know anything about them.

Between channeling great grandma and Ernestine and Theo's guidance and instruction as I have worked on this novel, plants are suddenly finding me.

Yesterday I was given 2 large ones from a friend and a mug full of herbs I can use or try to plant and grow.

Isn't it amazing how much a person can grow from the influence of others, even across the decades?

The Importance of a Routine

 I get that this might just apply to me and how my brain works, but I REALLY need routine and structure in my life. 

Last week, I was so proud of myself for all I was able to get done because I had it all down in my planner and I followed it, which yielded some amazing results. I intentionally do not structure my weekends so I have time to be bored, which is a great time for creative ideas to come. 

Today I had planned out, but circumstances have thrown me so far off course, I'm just hoping today is salvageable in some way. 

Usually I wake up early to write in my journal, go for a walk, get some study in, and then jump into my day. 

Last night (after I finished planning for today, mind you), my husband and I clarified who was taking his father to the airport for a vacation today. My FIL's flight was leaving the airport at 5:48 this morning from a town about half hour away from where I live. So my husband was worried about staying awake on the drive back and wanted an extra set of eyes to watch for deer on the road.

How could I say no to the safety of my husband?

So up at three we were after a short five hour sleep. Meaning when we got back (which is when I normally wake for the day), I was crawling into bed.

Three hours later, we woke up to discover our power was out (and had been for about three hours) and wasn't expected on until one this afternoon. 

Worried for our perishable food, we didn't dare open the fridge to prepare a normal, healthy breakfast like we usually do, and instead... we ate cookies.

It was all we could really do without opening our fridge, or having a stove to cook oatmeal. Man, I wished so much for a gas stove! 

I procrastinated showering because the water was going to be lukewarm at best. I wasn't sure if it was worth going to the office at all since we have a bunch of construction happening and the accident that took out the power was near us, too.

It was a perfect storm that led to me absolutely wasting my morning.

Point of the story is, it's almost 2PM and I'm just getting to the office trying to salvage my day. Wish me luck.

Story Time- Nancy

 It's been a while, but I have a Tourette syndrome story. This is why I initially created this blog was to collect all the funny stories Paula manages to bring into my life.

Quick background, since it's been a while, I have a form of Tourette syndrome that is called Echolalia. I repeat sounds and sometimes words that I hear.

My husband listens to a comedy group called Firesign Theatre. They do a comedy sketch called "Nick Danger: Third Eye" that he is particularly a fan of. This group of 4 men voice several characters, including one Nancy.

She has a very unique laugh that Paula has started use fairly often. Usually laughing at my husband's antics, which makes us double down even harder in laughter. 

Listen to the link above for some of the comedy genius and appreciate Paula's copycat laugh.

What Creates Confidence?

So I have this quote on my wall: Commitment Creates Confidence.

But I tell you what, I'm not feeling that right now. With so many BIG things in the works, I spend a lot of time absolutely terrified.

I'm not scared of failure. Honestly, I don't really see that as an option. I am sure these projects will be a huge success and both will change my life forever.

I am worried about keeping up. These things are moving along so quickly that I'm worried about keeping up. 

I'm worried if I am worthy of such great things. 

I'm worried about how I'm going to make it happen.

Less so on the last one. I have some really great people in my corner. I have so much support and insight from others.

This is really going to go well for all of us involved. I just see the end point and get excited, but also a touch overwhelmed. 

Circling back to this quote at the beginning, it's not exactly true.

Commitment creates results and the RESULTS are what creates confidence.

I'm still in the beginning and early stages of both Madamn and making a shift into a publishing company. I haven't seen many results yet. But I am committed, so I know the results will come. 

Maybe then I'll have a bit more confidence as I tackle all the things coming my way.

Exciting Updates

 It feels like it has been forever since I have had this much energy and excitement about how things are going in my business and in life in general. 

Exciting news #1:

I bought a business! Ok, not exactly. I did not acquire the name or website or anything. 

At my Reader's Escape, I have an optional journal making activity and a friend of mine ran a business where I could buy the kits with everything needed to make these journals.

She is currently bowing out of the business game and I bought all her materials and acquired the pieces of the kit that I now get to assemble. 

But it still makes me feel powerful buying all the stock of a company.

Exciting news #2:

I had an idea this morning that I'm really excited about. 

I've been publishing under the pen name Paula Jean Ferri, right? I've built a business around this name and this brand, even though I'm now going to start using the name J.S. Baehr for publishing my current books. However, I don't want to restart from scratch when I have things running under this business name.

So Paula Jean Ferri is now shifting to the name of the publishing house that I publish under. I can work with other authors who want to publish as well. Kind of like publishing houses like Hay House or Simon & Schuster, Scholastic, etc. 

It is still the name I will publish nonfiction under. I think I have one or two more of those I want to write as well. 

BUT, as I was thinking about the brand of Paula Jean Ferri and a publishing house... I realized that it doesn't have to just be books that I publish. 

Who says that I can't also sell art pieces?

No one, that's who!

I've spent this morning chatting with a friend of mine about selling her artwork for her. I'll put it on my website. I'll direct traffic and sales and get a small commission. 

This friend has talked for YEARS about selling her artwork, but her life just tends to have too much going on.

So I'll do it for her. Because she is an amazing artist and deserves recognition for all her hard work. 

Y'all, the vision I have in my head for this publishing company is huge. It's terrifying.

But that also makes it so incredibly thrilling.

I LOVE being able to support my friends like this and I love feeling like I have the business savvy to fill a need of some incredibly talented people.

It's going to be so great!

New Ideas

This isn't my usual topic of conversation, but it's on my mind and I need to get it out of my head. More than that, I feel like this needs to be shared in general.

My mind is blown today. I had a conversation yesterday about someone who mentioned they gained weight in 2020 and got stretchmarks. She made it sound like they were the first she had ever gotten and was so disappointed with them. 

I've heard others complain about stretch marks from pregnancy and how embarrassed they were. On the flip side of these discussions, I've heard them referred to as "tiger marks" and they are proud of them.

To be honest, it also blows my mind. 

I've had stretch marks since I was ten years old. I remember waking up one morning with red angry marks on my stomach and I asked my mother what they were. 

She explained that they are stretch marks. More than that she explained that it was happening because my body was changing. I was becoming a woman and getting a figure. 

She made it sound so common, so normal. That for over two decades, I assumed it had happened to everyone.

Shortly after this, I was talking with a friend who mentioned her stretch marks from growing so tall.

In my mind, stretch marks are associated with GROWTH. 

It can be frustrating when we aren't looking for it, because growth and change is hard (anyone remember puberty or is it permanently blocked from your mind?) and often kind of just dumped on us when we didn't ask for it.

Maybe that's why we get so upset at seeing the growth our bodies are capable of?

Yes, I get that in the case of a skinny person suddenly gaining more weight and feeling unhealthy may not seem like a good thing, but our bodies often respond to the emotional issues taking place. 

Take for example gaining weight during the pandemic. There was a lot of change going on. It was hard and frustrating and scary.

But in all of that change, where we aren't moving as much, maybe eating more, and our bodies cling to the calories because it's in "survival mode" isn't this an opportunity to grow in our ability to give grace? Not just for others, which oftentimes seems easier, but also for ourselves.

Additionally, doesn't weight gain give us another opportunity to grow? As someone who has never been considered small by any means, I have also put on additional weight that I'm not happy with. Due to my car accidents this year (there have been two), I've spent much of this year resting. 

For the first time in my life, I'm taking my health very seriously. 

I am eating healthier and "cheating" less- and for me this is defined by eating things that I know are harmful to my body. I have thyroid issues that are aggravated by dairy, refined sugar, gluten, etc. I can feel a difference when I don't put these things in my body.

Once again, I am beginning to work out and strengthen my muscles, and I'm doing it in a way that is maintainable.

This isn't about weight for me anymore, it's about my health. This is growth. This is multiple changes. 

Truth be told, I've never really cared one whit about stretch marks. I've had them for a few decades. For others, they may be a sign that something needs to change. Or possibly that you have undergone changes. Perhaps they show a greater capacity for something in your life.

At this point, I'm not longer sure if my ramblings are making any sense.

However, I do know, that I felt the need to share a new perspective. 

Growth is not a bad thing. 

Signs of growth (including stretch marks) exist to remind us of that growth.