Ok y'all. I'm SO ready for this new year.

2023 was a bit rough for me. It was not my favorite. Sure, there were some high points and good days. I got back into blogging for one! Go me!

But I'm not going to pretend this year was all sunshine and roses, as much as I love both those things. 

Let's start with the things I'm excited about for the coming year, shall we?

I'm excited to have one job this year instead of several. I love my new job and plan on sticking with it for quite a while.

Second, I'm excited for the income that will come as a result of a full time job. Not only that, but finally allowing me to grow my financial situation. 2023 did a little of that, my husband and I are way better off than we were in 2022, to be sure. But we plan on keeping that momentum going. 

Next, I'm really excited about several projects I'm working on. Madamn, for one, which I hope to publish this year in August. But there is also a children's book or two in the works with my husband, and I am still working towards the publishing house, albeit much more slowly.

Most importantly, I'm excited to focus on my health. The events of this year have shown me that I really need to make this more of a focus. I've started a few habits that will help with this. I've noticed a huge change in my body now that I've had to give up dairy and gluten. 

More than just the diet changes, I'm excited to be working on getting stronger. In fact, STRONG is my word for 2024. 

I want to be stronger, not just physically, but also mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and in the business sense, too. 

I want to not only start the year strong, but focus on growing that in all areas of my life and I'm so excited to see where I end up!

Not So Consistent, but Making Progress

 Hey friends!

Remember how I wanted to be more consistent, then got a new job and didn't write for a month? Yeah, it's been a doozy!

But just in time for the holidays, I think things are calming down a bit as I figure out a routine. 

I have Saturdays where I can really get some focused work done while I try to balance work and home life. 

Part of the reason I love writing so much is my ability to step away from those and create my own world. My office space just makes me so happy. 

I miss being here everyday, but finances are kind of a thing. So until my books are making me more than my work salary as a full time employee, I'll be masquerading as a bank teller by day. 

On the up side, I've found myself getting much more organized and having better systems in place so that it actually requires less time. 

That I'm loving.

So there might be a few changes and developments as I work on things, but know that big a great things are coming. I'm so excited to see where life takes me. 

The future is looking bright my friends!

Quality Time

 This morning I have been thinking a lot about Madamn.

More changes I want to make, things to include and clarify, stuff to remove...

And sometimes I am amazed that I am still feeling like I am in such early stages and frustrated that this is taking forever.

But isn't that... life?

Isn't that... history?

The more I study the past, the more amazed I am that people took so much time to do anything.

Not just DO the thing, but with QUALITY.

The details they put into buildings, dishes, clothing, even the quality of handwriting.

We still have many of these things from history, because the quality LASTS.

We live in a world where quantity is more desirable than quality. Where prolific is better than perfect.

Which is true, to an extent.

If that quantity improves the quality of what you are doing.

I have the quantity in my writing.

I have many, MANY journals dating back to when I was 8 years old. I have written blog posts, emails, letters, research papers, high school and college writing challenges, even social media posts.

I even have 4 published books.

I love those little books of mine, I really do.

I don't sell them like I should. I often get asked how they are doing.

Not well. And I know that's on me. I'm not putting the work in.

Because in my mind, they were practice.

They were research.

I'm not saying I'm waiting until I'm forty to publish Madamn, but some days it feels like it.

I want this book to be quality.

I want it to stand out.

I want it to last in literature.

One day I'll get faster at creating quality. I really hope my next book doesn't take me as long to write.

The thing is, Madamn is also research in a way. I'm practicing writing a novel, practicing fiction.

And the quality is only going to get better.

Because I'm taking a lesson from the history I'm writing about.

I am taking time to create a higher quality with details and flourishes that add to the story.

I have taken the time to practice.

I'm taking the time to practice.

And I am so excited to see the results.

November

Hey friends!

I've had a lot on my mind the past few days, as evidenced by the ELEVEN PAGES I wrote in my journal yesterday. It's not always that much, for the record. I write so often that it doesn't all come out at once like that.

Anyway, some background context: I'm a huge fan of Dr. Benjamin Hardy. I worked quite closely with him for a time and learned a lot from him. We don't work quite as closely now, but I do still love reading his books.

I've been reading Be Your Future Self Now (PS- that's an affiliate link) and seeing posts about a new program he is running to finish 2023 strong. There are 8 weeks left in this year that can accomplish big goals and set up 2024 for some big forward momentum.

As my life is about to make some big changes with me going back to work full time, I've been writing and figuring out what I want my life to look like and what is most important. 

Luckily, a full time job does seem to fit into those goals quite nicely. There are 3 areas that I want to make a priority, my finances, my family, and my career as an author.

For the last 8 weeks of this year, I'll be focusing on my health. Which also luckily, has a lot of overlap in my 3 priorities for 2024. See, each of those 3 priorities have much more specific sub-goals.

In regards to family, my husband and I want to have children. But if my body is going to first of all get pregnant and then carry a baby, there are a lot of health things that need to get in line. 

Also in regards to family, we need to have the finances to afford children and to buy a place where we have room to grow. 

Obviously, my career as an author is going to affect our finances as well. 

In Be Your Future Self Now,  Dr. Hardy speaks of Steve Jobs when he returned to Apple. At the time, they had many different products and Jobs removed most of them. They focused on just a few products and made them incredibly high quality.

Which I've also realized I need to be better at within my business. I can add more as I go along, but especially with the time constraints I now have, I need to focus on what is most important. 

Right now, that is finishing Madamn. As I publish and promote it, it will feed into building the publishing house. However, the publishing house is not the current focus.

Sadly, this also means that I might have to put a pause on the Reader Escape Retreat I usually host every year. Which kind of stinks, they were finally starting to build some momentum. They have been growing, so it's hard to hit the pause button on that. 

But I feel so much more clarity in what I want. And it's exciting. 

Happy November!

And welcome to NaNoWriMo!

I'm not participating this year, which is weird. However, I want to actually finish a novel for once. I've started a few and got stuck.

I think they just weren't my genre. It's funny how writing about real people make things just come alive for me. 

It's almost like they are whispering to me from beyond the grave. 

Anyway, this year, I'll be working more on re-writes and edits than actually putting words on the page. I want to do this woman justice and make sure Madamn is the best that it can be. 

So for the writers, good luck during NaNo, enjoy it!

I'll just be in my hole massaging the words.

Time Is A Funny Thing

Timing is a funny thing, don't you think? 

Remember how just a few days ago I was upset because I had been let go from a job?

Turns out, I now have a job offer. 

It's been ONE WEEK. I'm actually kind of impressed. 

During my interview yesterday, I was told they would want another week or two to continue to interview applicants and make a selection. Then I got a call this morning from them offering me the position. 

I was shocked to say the least.

Everything happened so very fast. It's almost like it was meant to be in a lot of ways. This job is going to be a much better fit for me, something I might even be willing to do long term because the benefits are simply awesome. Better than any job I've ever had (and trust me, I've had a few).

But what is really sending me is the timing. This job that is such a great fit was not available 2 months ago when I was looking for a job. Finances had been so very tight and my husband and I needed the extra income. 

I was able to get some extra income, then was let go at the exact time that this position was available.

I'm a bit nervous about it since it is a full-time position. I haven't had one of those in several years. But I did write books 1, 2, and 3 while working full time, so it should be ok, right?

I wonder if it will be ready in time or if I will have to delay again. It's hard to say, so stay tuned.

In the meantime, I might have to go down to just one blog post per week. I've been doing really well with multiple, but that was part time. I'll see what I can do.

Back At It

 Ok, so crazy story.

When I first graduated from college, I looked all over to find a full time job and enter the workforce. I was bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to go and work!

But the only jobs I could find were part time. If they were hiring at all. It took me a while to finally break into the working world.

What I find funny is now that I run my own business and want a part time job to supplement my income, there are lots of people hiring, but only full time. And that's almost a non-negotiable because they are short staffed. 

I was talking with my neighbor yesterday and the company she works for is only hiring full time because she is working 12 hr shifts. Her coworker was just about to finish 24 hours of working.

Which shocked me, I would have thought that was illegal, pulling 2 12 hr shifts back to back like that.

But that's not a company I want to work for.

It's crazy how much times have changed. I'm not sure what it would look like for me to go back to work full time again. I haven't done that since 2020. I feel very fortunate that I haven't had to. 

It does make me wonder if I could do more with my own business. I would love to do it full time if I felt I could make a living off it. 

I'm just not sure I'm there yet.

Part of that is likely my own insecurity and shying away from the actual sales part that would bring me the income. 

So I'll keep at it while I'm job hunting and see what I can manage. 

BUT if you feel like supporting, remember that I do have 4 published books you can purchase, as well as an online course for Creativity. 

All are available on my website: paulajeanferri.com

Life Update Yet Again

 Life changes so very quickly.

I woke up tired this morning. I didn't want to go to my part time job as a dental assistant, but at least it was a half day, right?

After work, I was scheduled for my 6 week evaluation. 

It went well, I knew all the names of the tools, I have been improving and I know mostly what I'm doing and I'm ready to go chair side... 

But. 

I was let go. 

First of all, I must say that I have never been let go from a job before. Honestly, that was the most surreal part. 

I knew being a dental assistant was a stretch and a large difference from my usual type of job. And overall, I was doing really well at it. 

The dentist is a friend of mine and I'm not upset by his decision at all. It made complete sense (even if it doesn't sound like it here... there are things that affected this decision that aren't shareable and I respect that). 

I'm mostly weirded out, because I leave jobs voluntarily. This is new and weird. Again, not bad... just a bit nerve wracking in regards to having to find another job and the financial aspect of things. 

I'm sitting here just wishing I was already there, you know? Madamn was published and selling millions of copies worldwide, that I am also selling merch for my books, my reading retreats are so full I have to do multiple per year just to keep up with the demand, and I get to still do smaller writing projects for friends, and overall in control of my life.

The thing is, I know I will get there. It's just making sure things are stable in the meantime.

I don't mind losing the job. I mind the loss of financial security it provided. 

So off I go again, searching for a new job.

Wish me luck and pray for me y'all.

For the Love of History

You know what I love about history?

Understanding myself and where I come from.

I think that gets overlooked a lot.

Like, sure, I have Tourette syndrome, and having a name for it helps, but I love knowing that this isn't a new thing.

This has been around for almost a century and a half.

The first recorded case (and the reason we have a diagnosis) was a woman in 1800's France. Not only that, she was a countess, shortly after the French Revolution when relations between the classes were tense at best.

AND she had the swearing form of Tourette's called Coprolalia.

As I've studied her life preparing for this novel, I have LOVED seeing how she never hid.

We have records of her cussing out Napoleon's son. We have records of her nicknaming Jean Menier, founder of the Menier chocolate factory in France "Baron Cocoa."

When I was first diagnosed, I read of people who met in church basements with the lights off to have support groups for those with TS.

I found many FB groups on social media, where the only real discussion was medication and side effects and wishing for a cure.

While it's can be argued this was because of her upper class title, keep in mind how many rules the noblesse in France had to follow. Or how nervous they might have been to make a misstep at the risk of loosing their heads.

It should also be noted that these interactions were more commonly known as she aged. it is a confidence that she grew into, and I love that.

We don't always start out confident in the things we do, but we can get there.

This woman and her history fascinate me.

Her parents and grandparents... her family line each faced trials and struggles that inspire me.

It hurts that her story was lost for so long, but oh, what a privilege to rediscover this woman and her uncredited mark on the world.

It's coming soon. Not soon enough, I grant you, but soon. 

Nostalgia

Yay, a blog post with photos!! And there will be a LOT of them. I couldn't narrow it down.

I've been seeing a lot of posts on social media from friends that I used to work with. For a time, I worked at the Polynesian Cultural Center in Laie, Hawaii, which just celebrated it's 60th Anniversary.

Friends are posting pictures of a time and place that changed me so much. 

When I stop and think about it, it wasn't always that great of a place to work. I was, after all, a white student from the mainland, and many of the jobs were a work-study exchange program for college students coming from all over the world, so my job often hung in the balance depending on how many intern spots were needed.

But overall, I loved my time at the PCC. All I really think of is all the wonderful people that I met there, being in the sunshine, learning how to weave hats, headbands, and balls out of coconut leaves, watching the shows, the yummy food, and learning and growing so much as a person.

That time in Hawaii in general was just so good for me in every aspect of my life. Fun fact, that's where I was when I first started my blog about all the funny stories I had with my Tourette syndrome, shortly after I was diagnosed over there.

It's where I first met my now husband, though at the time, he was simply my best friend and we knew that dating was a bad idea. 

It's where I first failed-hard- and lost just about everything important to me.

It's where I learned to build a life I actually wanted. 

It's where I learned that I wasn't crazy for the weird things I had thought as a child. We had entire class discussions about stories and their importance.

It's where I wrote my paper on Tourette syndrome and how it affects communication, which eventually became my first book.

Hawaii has my heart for helping me become the person I am today. 

Writing the Hard Things

I decided to kill two birds with one stone here. I get to make a new blog post AND procrastinate!

Listen, I like writing, I really, really do.

I got up this morning and simply journaled for an hour. Then I was reminded that I have a letter to write and I am NOT looking forward to it. 

I haven't posted much about it here, but if you know me and have followed me for a while, you know that my brother was murdered in December of 2019. 

I have had siblings pass away before. When I was 10, I had a brother that was stillborn. When I was in college, an older half-sister (that I had met all of once when I was in middle school) died by suicide. Both were really hard experiences.

But to have a brother that I had lived with for 30 years in such a violent and tragic way really shook me to my core. It's still hard to think about. Which I do, often. 

Unfortunately, it comes up even more often because my parents chose to be involved with the court case against his murderer.

First of all, this case was very drawn out because it happened right before the world shut down and had to adjust for the Rona. 

To be honest, in a way, it was a huge blessing for me that the world had to shut down with me. I wasn't really functioning yet. Staying home to cry all day was incredibly helpful.

It wasn't helpful in that this court case got pushed back time and again. 

So by the time she was finally convicted in 2021, we were able to find some solace and reprieve.

But not much.

She is already up for parole. 

For the murder of my brother. 

Because she and her family bullied the one witness into not testifying in court. The poor woman who witnessed all of this said she gave the lawyers everything they needed and would not appear in court.

So it became a game of he said, she said. And she got off ridiculously easy. 

The point of this blogpost was to try and ease me into the right headspace, but it didn't help. I've cried writing this already. 

I really don't want to write this letter, but I want the letter to be written.

Guess I ought to get it over with and see if any of the rest of my day is salvageable, or if I'll be curled up in a cocoon bawling my eyes out. 

Ramblings of a Writer

 Do you ever have those days with a lot on your mind, but you don't know what it is?

Like there aren't even coherent thoughts, just the undercurrent of something you can't put your finger on, and it just weighs on your mind and heart as something moves so quickly you can't seem to catch it?

That's me today. 

So I might simply be rambling for a bit today.

It's funny, I don't think I would have even caught that feeling if I hadn't just gotten a phone call from my husband. He passed me on Main Street- he honked and everything- and I didn't see him. I don't know where my mind was. 

Maybe it was on the car in front of me as we waited for pedestrians to cross. Maybe it was something simple as turning on my blinker to turn off Main.

But while I was focused on my driving, something else must have had my attention to not hear my husband honk or see my big gold behemoth of a vehicle. 

Maybe I'm lost in the beauty of fall in Wyoming. Maybe it's more than that.

I honestly couldn't tell you.

But I feel it. I feel movement as my brain simply goes into auto pilot. 

I type these words, still not sure what is even on my mind. 

My brain feels hyperfocused without being focused. Is that a thing?

If I were to fall asleep and take a nap right now (and trust me, I'm tempted), I would have some crazy dreams, I'm sure of it. 

So my goal for today is simply to find some kind of focus and try to get at least a little bit of work done. but naptime isn't far away, I assure you.

Why I Love Writing

 You know what I love most of all about writing?

The fact that I can edit.

Since I've been married, in conversations with my husband, I've learned something about myself. I speak in a manner that can often and easily be found offensive.

I don't mean to be, ever. I simply don't think through the things I'm going to say, and my rash and impulsive manner can be considered thoughtless and rude.

It's funny, I have in the past been so OVERLY cautious about the things I want to say that I was considered a very shy, quiet kid.

Around the time Paula popped up, I started actually speaking up and became more and more talkative. I realized that I was essentially becoming a "bull in a china shop" and fully leaned into that persona. 

And for years, I have gone completely unchecked in that regard.

But here is the thing, while I don't love hearing that I need correction, and really don't love seeing how I have hurt people, it makes me all the more grateful for writing. Even more grateful that it can be changed and corrected.

I am human and I make mistakes.

As a recovering perfectionist, that still gets to me. 

Communication is a funny thing. I studied it in college and I still struggle with it, often.

But I love the discussion that follows where I can really look and see what I did wrong and how I can correct it. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to simply apologize just because someone is upset about something that I've said. 

It is a chance for me to really look more closely at what I'm saying and how I'm saying it. 

Words have power.

Use them wisely.

Just another update

 Whoops! This is probably my longest lapse in writing/posting since I got back on the wagon in May!

So thanks for sticking around.

I'm home and safe after my excursion to my latest Reader's Escape. It was amazing, as usual. I've been home a few days, but I'm still unpacking and in denial that it will be another year before there is another one. 

At least now I can focus on my new job as a dental assistant and my novel. It has been a minute since I've dedicated time to actually writing and editing. 

I have still made progress in the fact that I have joined a writer's circle and we have been meeting weekly to discuss the parts of Madamn that I have shared. I have gotten some REALLY great feedback, met new friends, and learned a TON.

I'm really excited to start applying it to Madamn. 

I think the best part is seeing how excited people get about Ernestine's story. They get invested and want more, meaning the momentum around the book release continues to grow.

Pretty sure this book has already changed my life and it continues to do so!

People Skills

Hey there friend! I have had a couple of crazy weeks and I'm so grateful for all the love and support I've been shown!

It made me stop and take a step back, and I've noticed two things.

1. I am seeing a huge trend where people are becoming more and more isolated. Sometimes because of our own choices. ie: "I hate people." "I don't want to deal with people." "I'll just stay in and binge this awesome show and get my food delivered." "People stress me out."

Other times it is because of things like the recent worldwide events of 2020 and how some policies and practices have never fully disappeared.

With the current rise in AI, it makes it seem like we just don't need people anymore.

Which leads me to the next thing I learned.

2. We need people. 

We need social interaction. 

We need friends and love and support. 

I am always amazed by many benefits of simply talking to people. Don't get me wrong, it's not always an easy thing to do. Sociality takes a lot of work. Fun fact, if you had met me in high school, I was so shy that if you asked me a direct question, I still wouldn't talk to you. I would nod or shake my head. And lots and lots of blushing. From embarrassment, from fear, from shame of not knowing what to say.

Talking to people is hard and is a skill I have worked hard to learn over many, many years.

But just like any skill, I am reaping benefits for the investment. 

Not only do we have the obvious benefits of not feeling so alone in this crazy world, of feeling seen and understood, but I see myself moving more and more into the life I've always dreamed of- because of people.

If I hadn't been willing to talk to people, I would never have met some of my best friends, or mentors, or connections that have helped me develop additional skills, or people that I've been able to help or work for.

I love being able to collaborate with others, helping them achieve their dreams while also achieving mine. 

There has been a lot of that this last week. 

A lot of wonderful people doing great things and working together and everybody wins. It's a good feeling to be a part of it.

Consistency Update

Remember how I had a goal to simply be more consistent with my blog? I got back into blogging around mid-March. I made a post about consistency back in May (you can find that post here).

Anyways, I'm in absolute awe of what is going on now. 

My views have completely skyrocketed and I'm in a bit of shock to be honest. I'm so excited about it. It doesn't mean much yet, but I'm working on that. 

The past few weeks have been a bit like running into a firehose, and I still have a few more things on my list to knock out. But the new job is going well, a few projects have been finished, and the Reader's Escape is next week. 

Maybe then I can get back to focused writing on Madamn. Life is quite the adventure. 

I don't have much to say today, I'm on my lunch break and have to get back to work, but really quickly, the point of all of this was to say thank you for being here and thank you for reading!

Life Updates!

 Hey there dear friend! 

So I started a new job this week. It's going to be part time, but for training purposes the first few weeks, they have me as many hours as I can stand. 

As much as I love writing, I can really only do it in short bursts, it works best for me. So I found another outlet for my energy, which allows more movement and more finances. Win-win, right?

I'm training to be a dental assistant. 

Crazy, huh? Feels quite out of the blue for me, too. 

But turns out, I quite like it. I like the people I work with, I love the constant movement and energy, and it's always great to learn a new skill. I'm excited for the opportunity and let's be honest, a bit more stability in my finances. 

I wasn't sure I was going to find a job in my community that I enjoyed doing, so I had started to build another facet of my business and started writing copy again. I found an awesome client that I love working for. I love her content, our voices are similar, which makes it easy, and I get to write. I love how words just flow out of my fingertips. 

On top of all the other things that I'm doing in my life already like cleaning and cooking, spending time with my husband, church responsibilities, working on Madamn, the Reader's Escape, and another business venture I'm working on and not ready to reveal... Life gets pretty full.

I'm still determined to keep writing here as much as possible. I've seen a spike in views (thank you for that, by the way!) and don't want to lose the momentum. 

Anyways, life is good and I'm excited about the direction I'm heading. What an adventure!

Madamn Research

Sometimes I am amazed at what it looks like to research novels. I thought I knew the subject matter really well going into this.

There are so many details that pop up unexpectedly. Which turns into more research. Then a bit more. Then a lot more. And just when I think I know this stuff, there's a bit more research that I need to do. 

When I started writing Madamn, I felt so confident knowing what it was like to have Tourette syndrome and figured I would just need a few simple details about the time period and that would be it. 

Until one of those things I researched was medication and techniques they would have tried to cure this unknown disorder. Turns out laudanum back then was almost a catch-all for "nervous disorders" such as this.

Problem is, often alongside Tourette syndrome comes a propensity for addiction. And laudanum, containing alcohol and opium, was highly addictive even under normal circumstances. 

I'm dealing with an addict.

And it scares me senseless. Partially because I do have a small idea of what this means. I had a brother who was an addict. (Yes, he passed, no, it wasn't the drugs). 

But what a rabbit hole I've had to dive down. Not just about addiction in general, but time period specific laudanum effects and withdrawals. I'm not about to get any first hand accounts myself, or even second hand from someone in today's day. 

This was supposed to be a simple story!

I have found some great resources, but this is just one of many tangents that happen trying to bring you a great story. 

Capacity

Story time.

Life is at an interesting point right now. I have been slowly growing the amount of things on my plate.

I start a new job next week, I have the Reader's Escape, Madamn, a blog that I'm trying to update more often, I took a gig writing some copy, another doing some virtual assistant work, plus another project I'm working on and not ready to talk about yet.

That's just work. Then I have an apartment to keep clean, dinners to make, and a husband to take care of. Oh, and a choir to lead, a Christmas program to put together, and other church duties.

Yesterday I hit a moment where I felt beyond capacity.

I was running in circles and nothing was getting completed. Not to mention the tension led to all sorts of residual pain from being in two car accidents just this year.

But you know what?

I love it. All of it.

For the first time in MONTHS I have felt like myself again. Keep in mind that is not on days like yesterday. There needs to be some form of organization so I know what to tackle first.

But I love being so involved in projects that help others and that in some small way make the world a better place.

It can be such a delicate balance though.

I have been so frustrated the past few months feeling like I didn't have much purpose or real motivation.

Now that I have an over-abundance of that, I have to make sure I have time to slow down.

Which is why this bed is calling my name at the Reader's Escape. I'll be there in just 3 short weeks.

Booking closes today, I'd love to have you join me.

Happy Monday! Gratitude and Connection

 Good morning dear friends! Don't you just love Mondays?

Ok, I get not many do, but I love the fresh start to the week. Feeling like I can start fresh. Sometimes I need that. Just let go of all the chaos and start with something I can handle. Like a blog post.

Sometimes I worry about what to write about. I want to keep being consistent, because I always see the best results when I do that. Sometimes I just don't feel like I have much to say.

Today I do though. I just want to thank you for being here. 

I've been thinking a lot about connection and how important people are. I feel like the world we live in is growing more and more isolated. Maybe it's just me. 

But I watch people fighting over politics and not wanting to leave the house so they use grocery delivery or order takeout and shop online. We binge our favorite shows and avoid human contact except with a few chosen favorites that we somehow found over the years.

I've been pretty reclusive myself as of late. I've been so focused on getting work done. Work that excites me, and that I feel the need to get done sooner rather than later. 

It's interesting to me to then see myself in social interactions, at church, running into someone at the grocery store, etc. and seeing how chatty I get. I need people.

In fact, human beings are social creatures and we are wired for social interaction. But it's tragic to me that people are willing to deal with the side effects of not having that sociality.

Connecting with others allows us to be more emotionally stable. Talking with others allows us to vent, to grieve, express joys. 

Have you noticed an increase of anxiety in the world today? Maybe even in yourself? I wonder sometimes how much of that comes from not feeling like we can trust anyone.

The more people I connect with, despite (and sometimes even because of) our differences, the more I realize that there are a lot of good people in the world. We aren't perfect, but we are all trying our best. That gives me so much hope and helps quell a lot of my own anxiety that I feel on occasion. 

I'm also someone who loves and needs a lot of hugs. I've noticed that having a husband and increasing the amount of hugs I get daily has helped me in so many ways. 

Also, can we talk about dating for a second? It's hard to be alone. I was single for a very, very long time. Dating was incredibly difficult and frustrating and I hated it so much. But now that I'm with my husband, it was so worth every bad date and every heartache I felt.

Yesterday in church, my mind wandered a bit. Quite far from the lesson actually. I'm not even sure how I got there, but I thought of history and how we went through a phase where we thought "separate but equal" was a good idea. It's not, and luckily, we kind of learned that lesson. But did we really?

Back then, it was a forced separation based on race. Now, we willingly separate ourselves from others, resulting in a loss of communication and unity. 

Spoiler alert: this isn't any better. To separate ourselves based on different opinions, thinking there is only one right answer and that we have it is not going to work. It's dangerous. 

The only way we can really grow and learn is if we are stretching ourselves outside of our comfort zones, getting to know people and how they think, and figuring out how we can work together. 

It's frustrating and hard and sometimes even painful, but it is necessary. Separating ourselves from others for any reason means we are going to miss out on that person's unique gifts, their knowledge and wisdom from their unique life experience. 

We are cutting ourselves short. 

We cannot be separate but equal. There is no equality in separation. It leads to a lopsided stagnation. 

I, for one, don't want to live that way. 

Over the weekend, as my husband was leaving to go to work, he saw a neighbor working on a vehicle. All Erich said was, "Well that doesn't look like fun."

They started discussing what was going on and the man complained of having to pay $1200 for new tires and how expensive things have gotten. Erich mentioned I had some tires from my vehicle that had been totaled in my last car accident. Really good all-weather tires that we were willing to sell for $300 just to get rid of them.

Mind you, I had been trying to sell those tires online for three months. Erich did it in 10 minutes with a conversation. 

Turns out, this guy was simply visiting his son, Zac, who is our neighbor that we have seen, but never spoken to. Now my husband and Zac have hiking buddies and will stop hiking alone. He also happens to be a physical therapist and he showed me a couple of exercises I can do for my neck and shoulders. 

It's been less than a week and I already feel a huge difference.

We needed this neighbor and we had no idea. He needed us and didn't know it. Zac's dad has been so worried about his son who always reports he hasn't really met anyone new. 

My husband and I plan to invite him to dinner next week.

Do me a favor today, will you? Go out to get groceries, or dinner, or the post office, or something. Find an excuse to talk to someone new today. Say hi to a neighbor. There's plenty of people that work customer service. Strike up a conversation and say hello. 

It's amazing what a simple conversation can lead to.

Twists & Turns

Plans change and life takes a lot of twists and unexpected turns.

I never deleted the countdown I made on my phone for the release of Madamn. Originally the plan was to release it this week.

And I am just not there yet.

But I really want to release this book on Ernestine’s birthday. Meaning it will be another year before it is published.

Just think of how amazing it is going to be with a full year to really focus on the quality of the book, not to mention how much time I have to gather momentum for the release.

The future brings me so much excitement that I wake up every morning ready to greet the sun and get to work.

This book has been 7 years in the making.

No, I haven't been writing it that long, specifically, but I have written and published and learned and connected and studied...

That's 4 other books, thousands of dollars worth of education and study, countless hours spent, and probably billions of words written at this point. Between my blog, journal, books, edits, and rewrites, it may even be trillions.

And now it is all coming together so beautifully.

Most people don't know what it takes to write and publish a book. Quite likely because it takes a lot of time and effort that you have to be really committed to give.

I didn't realize what I was getting myself into with that first little book of mine. Luckily, I had most of it completed in college (it was originally a college research paper that I presented to my professors). I got a lot of feedback and support on it.

After that, I got hooked. Addicted. I'm kind of a junkie for the rush of publishing my books. It takes an awful lot of work to get to that point, but I NEED it. I LOVE it.

Which is another reason why I'm so bummed that I had to put this off. But I also know this book is going to be bigger than I could have imagined. This book is going to change my life.

Since I want it to change for the better, I need to make sure I'm putting all the good stuff in.

Garbage in, Garbage out, right? Meaning the inverse is also true.

This book is going to be amazing and I'm so excited for the world to love it as much as I do.

The Difference A Year Can Make

 Fun story, I was supposed to publish my book tomorrow. It's a weird feeling knowing you are passing a deadline and you didn't make it in time.

Truth be told, I've known for a few months I wouldn't make it. Life has been a bit chaotic for me, hasn't it?

Which kind of makes it all the more surreal. 

Tomorrow is Ernestine's birthday. I wanted my book to be published on her birthday as a kind of gift to her. So I couldn't just delay the book by a few months. No, it has to be a full year for the publication date.

But I can already tell how much better this book is going to be as a result. 

It's nice to focus on quality for a change instead of simply trying to churn out books. 

I recently read about a woman who has a world record for the number of books written in a year. It's 23 if you were wondering. 

A book almost every two weeks. Over the span of her life, she wrote 723 romance novels. 

I went to my local library and asked about finding a book of hers and if they were even any good. I was promptly told they were quite terrible and not to waste money trying to find one. 

At first glance, we say, "Wow, that's amazing that she was able to accomplish so much!" However, upon closer inspection, we watch this woman's name fade from history. 

Crazily enough, she isn't even the record holder for most books written. 

But if you were to look at articles written with the 50 best authors, she isn't there. We find names like Jane Austen, who wrote a total of 7 books, or Agatha Christie who wrote around 75 novels or Ernest Hemingway wrote published just 15. 

My point is, the number of books isn't important. The quality is. 

Even if you are looking to grow rich and/or famous, it's more about the quality of the book.

J.K. Rowling is the first author to become a billionaire and is incredibly well known. That happened almost entirely because of the Harry Potter series (a total of 7 books) that because they were so good were expanded into several movies, a theme park and several more books as a spin off. As of this writing, she has a total of 24 books written. 

I currently have 4 published works. I love my little books and am quite proud of them. But the quality of them isn't near what Madamn will be. Madamn has taken longer than these 4 books combined already. 

Then again, my first 4 books were a learning experience for me. I am proud of them, but I don't promote or sell them like I should. 

They were leading me to where I am now. 

Madamn is the kind of book that is going to shake the world. It's going to do incredibly well, I can FEEL it. 

I don't dare compare myself to writers like Harper Lee, who only published one novel during her lifetime, with a second published after her death. I don't know that Madamn will be quite as influential as To Kill a Mockingbird. 

But I do know that by giving myself and extra year, I'm giving it my all and giving it my best. This novel is 3 years in the making. 

We'll just have to see where it goes from there.

Plant Life

There has been an interesting change happening in my life the past year as I have focused more on Madamn.

I have suddenly become obsessed with plants, especially flowering plants.

What is even more fascinating to me is hearing stories of my great grandmother was quite brilliant with flowers.

Not only did she have flowers growing on all 4 sides of her house at least a foot deep, but she even managed to have flowers (I think it was irises?) that grew in the cracks in the sidewalk.

I grew up thinking I was terrible with plants, but I really just didn't know anything about them.

Between channeling great grandma and Ernestine and Theo's guidance and instruction as I have worked on this novel, plants are suddenly finding me.

Yesterday I was given 2 large ones from a friend and a mug full of herbs I can use or try to plant and grow.

Isn't it amazing how much a person can grow from the influence of others, even across the decades?

The Importance of a Routine

 I get that this might just apply to me and how my brain works, but I REALLY need routine and structure in my life. 

Last week, I was so proud of myself for all I was able to get done because I had it all down in my planner and I followed it, which yielded some amazing results. I intentionally do not structure my weekends so I have time to be bored, which is a great time for creative ideas to come. 

Today I had planned out, but circumstances have thrown me so far off course, I'm just hoping today is salvageable in some way. 

Usually I wake up early to write in my journal, go for a walk, get some study in, and then jump into my day. 

Last night (after I finished planning for today, mind you), my husband and I clarified who was taking his father to the airport for a vacation today. My FIL's flight was leaving the airport at 5:48 this morning from a town about half hour away from where I live. So my husband was worried about staying awake on the drive back and wanted an extra set of eyes to watch for deer on the road.

How could I say no to the safety of my husband?

So up at three we were after a short five hour sleep. Meaning when we got back (which is when I normally wake for the day), I was crawling into bed.

Three hours later, we woke up to discover our power was out (and had been for about three hours) and wasn't expected on until one this afternoon. 

Worried for our perishable food, we didn't dare open the fridge to prepare a normal, healthy breakfast like we usually do, and instead... we ate cookies.

It was all we could really do without opening our fridge, or having a stove to cook oatmeal. Man, I wished so much for a gas stove! 

I procrastinated showering because the water was going to be lukewarm at best. I wasn't sure if it was worth going to the office at all since we have a bunch of construction happening and the accident that took out the power was near us, too.

It was a perfect storm that led to me absolutely wasting my morning.

Point of the story is, it's almost 2PM and I'm just getting to the office trying to salvage my day. Wish me luck.

Story Time- Nancy

 It's been a while, but I have a Tourette syndrome story. This is why I initially created this blog was to collect all the funny stories Paula manages to bring into my life.

Quick background, since it's been a while, I have a form of Tourette syndrome that is called Echolalia. I repeat sounds and sometimes words that I hear.

My husband listens to a comedy group called Firesign Theatre. They do a comedy sketch called "Nick Danger: Third Eye" that he is particularly a fan of. This group of 4 men voice several characters, including one Nancy.

She has a very unique laugh that Paula has started use fairly often. Usually laughing at my husband's antics, which makes us double down even harder in laughter. 

Listen to the link above for some of the comedy genius and appreciate Paula's copycat laugh.

What Creates Confidence?

So I have this quote on my wall: Commitment Creates Confidence.

But I tell you what, I'm not feeling that right now. With so many BIG things in the works, I spend a lot of time absolutely terrified.

I'm not scared of failure. Honestly, I don't really see that as an option. I am sure these projects will be a huge success and both will change my life forever.

I am worried about keeping up. These things are moving along so quickly that I'm worried about keeping up. 

I'm worried if I am worthy of such great things. 

I'm worried about how I'm going to make it happen.

Less so on the last one. I have some really great people in my corner. I have so much support and insight from others.

This is really going to go well for all of us involved. I just see the end point and get excited, but also a touch overwhelmed. 

Circling back to this quote at the beginning, it's not exactly true.

Commitment creates results and the RESULTS are what creates confidence.

I'm still in the beginning and early stages of both Madamn and making a shift into a publishing company. I haven't seen many results yet. But I am committed, so I know the results will come. 

Maybe then I'll have a bit more confidence as I tackle all the things coming my way.

Exciting Updates

 It feels like it has been forever since I have had this much energy and excitement about how things are going in my business and in life in general. 

Exciting news #1:

I bought a business! Ok, not exactly. I did not acquire the name or website or anything. 

At my Reader's Escape, I have an optional journal making activity and a friend of mine ran a business where I could buy the kits with everything needed to make these journals.

She is currently bowing out of the business game and I bought all her materials and acquired the pieces of the kit that I now get to assemble. 

But it still makes me feel powerful buying all the stock of a company.

Exciting news #2:

I had an idea this morning that I'm really excited about. 

I've been publishing under the pen name Paula Jean Ferri, right? I've built a business around this name and this brand, even though I'm now going to start using the name J.S. Baehr for publishing my current books. However, I don't want to restart from scratch when I have things running under this business name.

So Paula Jean Ferri is now shifting to the name of the publishing house that I publish under. I can work with other authors who want to publish as well. Kind of like publishing houses like Hay House or Simon & Schuster, Scholastic, etc. 

It is still the name I will publish nonfiction under. I think I have one or two more of those I want to write as well. 

BUT, as I was thinking about the brand of Paula Jean Ferri and a publishing house... I realized that it doesn't have to just be books that I publish. 

Who says that I can't also sell art pieces?

No one, that's who!

I've spent this morning chatting with a friend of mine about selling her artwork for her. I'll put it on my website. I'll direct traffic and sales and get a small commission. 

This friend has talked for YEARS about selling her artwork, but her life just tends to have too much going on.

So I'll do it for her. Because she is an amazing artist and deserves recognition for all her hard work. 

Y'all, the vision I have in my head for this publishing company is huge. It's terrifying.

But that also makes it so incredibly thrilling.

I LOVE being able to support my friends like this and I love feeling like I have the business savvy to fill a need of some incredibly talented people.

It's going to be so great!