Hey friends. I won't write much today. There is a heaviness on my soul today. So I'm taking it fairly easy  and making no promises for anything today. 

Today my brother would have been 34 years old. 

It's still so weird that he is gone. Even if it has been almost 6 years. Grief is a funny thing. There have been birthdays in the past that have been just fine. There have been regular days where it hits me like a cannonball to the stomach. 

You just never know when things are going to hit you or not. But I have noticed certain days, like birthdays, have an increased chance of the cannonball days.

Today is one of those.

The grief gets so heavy, I just want to go back to bed and sleep and pretend it's not happening.

But because that also seems counterproductive, I woke up early to do a workout, because he was a gym  rat. I'm doing things that he would be proud of, like trying to grow my business. He was always my biggest fan and thought it was so cool that I had published.

When my first book came out in 2016, he told his friends that I had published a book and they needed to buy it and read it to him because he couldn't read.

I miss him today. In honor of him, I keep going, even when it's hard. 

I do want to clarify that it doesn't mean I ignore the hurt, pretend it isn't there. I still feel it. That's important. I find ways to express that wherever I can. Like this blog post. Like  my workout this morning. Like wearing earrings of Captain America's shield; he loved Captain America. Like wearing a dragonfly necklace that was given to me after his passing with a sweet poem.

I'm sure there will be more. Again, I make no promises of what I will or will not do today. I keep moving, but I'm not pushing through the pain. I go at my own pace to feel and grieve. 

We will see how today turns out. It's always an adventure.

I'm Only Human, After All

Happy Friday Friends!

It's crazy to think that another week has gone by already! There has been a lot of things going on this week and it feels like it has just slipped away from me.

However, last night I got incredibly overwhelmed and had a bit of a breakdown. Not a terrible one, just feeling like I needed to step away from all the things and take some deep breaths. 

There are still days when I feel almost super-human and forget that I can only do one thing at a time. 

I had not only double booked myself, but had packed things around the double booking, so when I finally came home and saw a dirty kitchen that needed my attention, it got to be a bit much. Not only that, but I knew the next couple of days where I will be working a craft fair were also going to be long and busy. 

At first, I got a bit manic, trying to just get stuff out of the way trying to clean, even if some dishes weren't dry. Then my sweet husband tried to point out that I was putting wet dishes where they didn't belong, trying to slow me down off my manic moment, I had to run to another room for a moment. 

I've always had an issue dealing with overwhelm, and know I need to take things in bite size chunks, but when each item on your to do list has a voice and all 30 things are yelling at the same time to be taken care of, right now, I have to turn them off somehow so that I can look at it logically and be able to actually do the things instead of walking around in circles.

My life has become a bit much, and I have to take a moment to sit and decide what is the most important thing I want done.

Like today, I chose 3 things this morning that if nothing else gets done, I'd be ok with it. First was loading up my car, then going to work, and working the craft fair. 

Easy peasy.

But also, what 3 things can I potentially get done during work to take some more things off that list?

First, blog post. I've been doing so well at being consistent and I want to keep that going. 

Second, read over the information I received yesterday from a meeting.

Third, do some research into a grant I want to apply for, which will also help me close several tabs on my computer that have been open for too long. 

Sometimes I forget how essential planning is for me. Otherwise, I get a little too excited about all the things. Which really is a good thing and I'm grateful I have this trait.

Life really is short and I'm grateful to have so many things that get me excited about life and having so many things I want to do. I want more out of life and I'm grateful I have the desire to chase after this life as I want to live it. 

Sometimes I wish I could manically complete tasks, I do love the sense of accomplishment, but the point of completing these things is to be able to relax and enjoy things as well. 

It's a delicate balance and a lesson I keep learning over and over. 

Maybe one day I'll figure it. Maybe not.

I'm only human, after all.

Holiday Update

This week has not gone at all as expected. I have started to pursue an opportunity locally and it has taken up a lot of time, and continues to do so. I'm not at liberty to say yet, and it may or may not even happen. It will be a month's long process if it does. 

The bad news in all of this, my marketing efforts have been slowed and I have had no sales in the past week. The good news is there is a craft fair this weekend, so that won't be an issue for long. 

More good news, this opportunity has opened doors that will help me as an author, regardless of the outcome of this opportunity. it feels good to be growing as a business owner. There are a lot of details to go over and see if this opportunity is really possible, then looking at steps to take to make it a reality.

That's really all the update I can give at this point in time.

I am doing research for my next two books, one will be a children's book and the other is a full length novel. Again, there isn't much of an update I can share since we are still in the research phase, but eventually I will have a lot of great and exciting things to share with you!

Remember, if you are shopping for the holidays, you will need to place your orders sooner rather than later.

The deadline for me to order from my printer and get them in time for the holidays is November 22 for hardcover and December 6 for paperbacks. 

You can place your orders on my website at https://paulajeanferri.com/shop