Today I Celebrate My Brother

Hey friends. I won't write much today. There is a heaviness on my soul today. So I'm taking it fairly easy  and making no promises for anything today. 

Today my brother would have been 34 years old. 

It's still so weird that he is gone. Even if it has been almost 6 years. Grief is a funny thing. There have been birthdays in the past that have been just fine. There have been regular days where it hits me like a cannonball to the stomach. 

You just never know when things are going to hit you or not. But I have noticed certain days, like birthdays, have an increased chance of the cannonball days.

Today is one of those.

The grief gets so heavy, I just want to go back to bed and sleep and pretend it's not happening.

But because that also seems counterproductive, I woke up early to do a workout, because he was a gym  rat. I'm doing things that he would be proud of, like trying to grow my business. He was always my biggest fan and thought it was so cool that I had published.

When my first book came out in 2016, he told his friends that I had published a book and they needed to buy it and read it to him because he couldn't read.

I miss him today. In honor of him, I keep going, even when it's hard. 

I do want to clarify that it doesn't mean I ignore the hurt, pretend it isn't there. I still feel it. That's important. I find ways to express that wherever I can. Like this blog post. Like  my workout this morning. Like wearing earrings of Captain America's shield; he loved Captain America. Like wearing a dragonfly necklace that was given to me after his passing with a sweet poem.

I'm sure there will be more. Again, I make no promises of what I will or will not do today. I keep moving, but I'm not pushing through the pain. I go at my own pace to feel and grieve. 

We will see how today turns out. It's always an adventure.