Life Cycles and Lessons

This week was a crazy one for me. After 2 incredible weekends that were incredibly productive, yet restful, the stress of this week has me completely lacking in motivation. 

It's not even that anything incredibly stressful happened at work this week, though it was incredibly stressful. It has more to do with relationships. They are so complex. I have one coworker in particular that is a struggle to work with. And what makes it even more complicated is I do genuinely like this person. 

Yet I find myself struggling to speak up around them, belittled by them, they complain about me to our boss... and now is going to become my boss. 

I'm happy for them. They absolutely have the know-how to do this job, it's the people skills I wonder about. 

Again, relationships are complex. 

Especially considering most of it is my own shortcomings. I have worked incredibly hard the past few months to become a better employee and to make sure I'm doing my job the best I can. I feel like I have made huge improvements. 

So the job is not the issue. 

The issue is my inability to stand up for myself. 

It has been a long standing issue of mine. I've actually come a long way there, too. 

However, life tends to work in cycles that always take us to a new level and can raise us to new heights if we are willing to put in the incredibly hard work. It would be so much easier if I were to just walk away.

I know I have that privilege and that capability. I've at least come that far in my life lessons. I have options. it took me a long time to stop feeling trapped and knowing that I am capable of finding another job and finding other ways to earn income. 

However, I also do legitimately enjoy the job I do and it has amazing perks and benefits. I want to stay. Which means I have to do the hard thing. I have to learn to speak up for myself. 

But boy, has that created some incredible emotional blocks and a lot of tears. My poor, supportive husband has been wonderful in all of this. 

And while I know what I need to do, actually doing the hard thing is another story. This is going to be a process. 

Because I don't have enough going on OUTSIDE of the job that is pushing me.

So we will see what happens.