Down Sides

Ok, so the whole new blog post took longer than a week. In all honestly, I can't remember exactly what I was going to mention. I know it had something to do with negative aspects or TS that I am starting to see. A couple even coming from my beloved squeaks that I love so much. I am beginning to see how children that have TS at a younger age may view them differently than I do. I have been living at home all summer, and I haven't been around my parents so much since I graduated high school, as my tics were beginning to emerge, much less the state they have reached. My dad cannot stand them. He has a really rough time with them, I don't think he really understands the concept of me not being in control of what I do. I can see him getting really frustrated when they get particularly loud and high pitched. It's understandable, it hurts his ears. Once I even caught him attempting to cover my mouth. That was hard for me. It kind of hurts that my dad doesn't understand and I don't like seeing him so frustrated about it. I'm not sure if I am more hurt or upset about it. That comes from the part I like about Tourette's!

On top of that, I am discovering other things that are suddenly much harder to control than they used to be. For the first time in my life, I have color coded my closet. The more organized I try to become, the more I see the OCD, and I am getting so particular about details being in place. I color coded the shirts I hang, and was going to walk away and work on the next project involved with moving. I didn't want to do that to my whole closet, but I couldn't just leave half of it undone. I had to do the other half. It was weird to have this struggle going on about something as silly as organizing a closet! I had so many other things I would rather have done than color code my closet. Really? I don't see it as a big deal, but I couldn't stop myself, and I couldn't leave until it was done.

Having moved in with my Aunt Sara, who is very organized, I am a little worried about my OCD getting out of control. I wonder if the disorganization in my life helped keep me sane and functional. Is this going to start getting in the way of me living my life? At least the perfectionism would benefit as I search for a career...

The most distressing part I am noticing does come from something I read in my Disconnected Kids book I have been reading (which I have still not finished... whoops). Anywho, the book talks about half of the brain developing faster than the other half, right? Well, that also affects the development of emotions. I hate emotions. I hate crying with a passion, and for the most part, I have detached myself from my emotions, because once I feel one thing, I can't control them, everything hits at once and it is overwhelming. I can't handle emotions, that is why I shut them off. It caused quite a bit of trouble for me at one particular point in my life and I can see it happening again as I try to deal with breaking off my engagement (Oh yeah, by the way... that didn't work out). It hurts, so I cry, but I hate crying so then I get angry, then the logic tries to take over and say, it's ok, I need to cry and this makes sense and thus starts an ugly spiral of negative emotions and arguments inside my head going back and forth trying to figure everything out until I get so exhausted nothing makes sense anymore. Then comes a snapping point. I try to keep that in check, but I can see how it could become violent, because that is the only way to get out and escape from your own mind. I have had urges to smash glass, tear books, kick, scream, hit and so on. Keeping it in doesn't really help matters much. I don't know what to do with it all. Definitely down sides that I just can't help.