I don't think I ever realized just how lucky I was to have Paula show up later in life, rather than at a young age. I don't think I ever realized just how much of a pain required paperwork can be. It wasn't relevant in elementary school, middle school or even high school for me. College made it a breeze at the testing center. But trying to take a test when I am no longer in college? Pain. In. The. Rear.

I hate paperwork. It is a one big reason I didn't finish my degree in Social Work! Even worse than paperwork is the idea of sitting in a room full or nervous people who would not appreciate any kind of distraction and I am unable to explain away all the dirty looks. Had that once before. Not willing to do that again. It gave me so much anxiety the first time that I up and left the test unfinished. I don't get that kind of anxiety often and that alone is a bad enough experience!

In order to take this test, I have to fill out a form and fax it in. Then I wait 4 days to make a phone call, where they tell me right off the bat I have to leave a voicemail, and someone will call me back within 48 hrs. It took them about a week to even send me that information in the first place! Awesome. It's hard enough to take this test, does it really have to be so difficult? Which is why I am now writing this article, rather than getting the paperwork taken care of and studying my eyes out. I am in serious need of some encouragement. Anyone else have a nightmare trying to accomplish some kind of test or project? Remind me it's worth it!

Noisy Time- Helpful Paula

I thought this was rather awesome considering I had just shared a post on Facebook about a post from a while back about Quiet Time. Today Paula did a 180. It makes for a great follow up story.

Today in Sunday School, the teacher asked us to do an activity. As there usually is during an activity, the class got rather loud as they discussed ideas and opinions. The teacher then called for 30 more seconds to finish up their ideas and we would come together to discuss and share insights. She started to collect the cards we had been asked to write on, and was getting ready to attempt to quiet the masses. Not an easy task when people tend to get along the way they do in our ward. Don't you worry, Paula decided to step in and help. She is a very helpful, after all. She likes to pitch in when she can. So Paula spoke up loud and clear, and the noise level dropped in confusion as to where the noise came from and what it was. I saw a few confused looks, which have a tendency to make me giggle. I can only imagine the thoughts running through their minds as they hear this loud, unexpected noise then watch this girl start laughing in the silence. I'm not crazy, I promise. At least, not entirely. Paula did make it a lot easier for attention to turn back to the teacher though!

Introducing Paula

In my off stage of writing, I have taken to calling my TS Paula. This name is courtesy of my dear friend Charli. In the past few years, I have seen such a distinct personality, she really deserves her own name. The more time passes, the more personality I see. I have always been a shy and quiet person, but the more Paula progresses, the more I get pushed into being the center of attention. Paula can capture the attention of an entire room in a moment, and I am left with everyone's eyes on me. Paula has brought me out of my shell with her outgoing and vibrant personality. She loves to be acknowledged.

For example, at work the other day. I have recently started a new job. One of my new co-workers happens to be named Paula. That was weird, I don't run into many people with that name, which is part of the reason I liked the name so much. At this new job, in order to keep everyone from going on break at the same time, we write our names on a white board so we know who is on break. Sometimes we forget to erase our names when we come back from break. Co-worker Paula had not erased her name as I was getting ready to go to break. I asked if she was back so I could erase her name. She told me to go ahead and erase it. As I did, my Paula decided to chirp in. Co-worker Paula clarified, "I guess she wasn't ok with you erasing her name." I guess my Paula wanted to go on break as well. I will continue to post more facets of Paula's personality (the TS Paula, not my co-worker, as awesome as she is!) with various stories. I love my TS!

Trust

My tics change periodically. I have spoken about this before. Occasionally I have a tic that sounds like I just got the wind knocked out of me. It sounds, even to me, like something is wrong. I would be worried if I heard that noise coming from someone close to me. I know that nothing is wrong, I can tell it is just a tic. I have not done this particular tic in front of anyone else (that I recall anyways) so I don't know how anyone is going to react when it gets heard. I can imagine it scaring someone, especially if they cared about me.

I have never been very good at this little thing called trust. I once went through a phase trying to improve my ability to trust, because it is something really hard for me to do. Now I kind of feel like I am on the other end of that, and I am learning a lot about trust from a different angle. It's kind of funny considering it hasn't happened in front of other people yet! I am realizing just how much one small noise can affect someone. I don't think I realized how much my noises could affect others, just because they can sound like something scary. It would be scary to hear someone get the wind knocked out of them, especially if you don't see what happened or know what is going on. Especially strangers. They have no idea what is going on, even on the smaller (or bigger) noises that don't sound like anything scary. Sometimes looking at what might happen scares me just as much as the noise might scare the other person. TS levels the playing field in a sense I guess. I am slowly becoming the creepiest person I know, and I can't help it.

I Am Proud to Be Different

So today was interesting, I had a superb conversation at work today. This particular coworker was really upset at another coworker. He came to me, I believe in an attempt to make allies and I was pleasantly surprised by the outcome. He considered this coworker very lazy, among other things. I mentioned that this "lazy coworker" simply needed a bit of patience and instruction because he is different. In reality, he is like me. I don't know this coworker's medical history, and I didn't claim to know what is going on, but he does show symptoms similar to mine. He doesn't have Tourette Syndrome, but there is something along the same spectrum, and I was surprised when I realized that this frustrated coworker couldn't see it. I can see it just by looking at him that there is something unique going on. The upset coworker just thought of him like anyone else, and was shocked when I told him what I saw. He didn't realize that people on this spectrum can be as high-functioning as my coworker and myself.

I explained my condition a bit more, that I have a neurological disorder that is on the same spectrum as autism and asperger's. I know I am high-functioning, and I can hide most differences. Most people only see (or rather hear) my tics, but there is something different in my brain and how it works. I don't see it as bad, though I don't always see it as good, either. It is what I make it and how I use it. I have 7 years of practice on this coworker of learning social rules (which my parents can tell you I have come a long way) and being able to function like I do. It was hard at times. For the most part, I was just blessed and lucky.

Even now, having this experience, I feel blessed to be in a position to explain. I was the first to point out to this upset coworker that something was different and that he might have been out of line. I didn't even tell him he was out of line. He knew that on his own once I told him. Most people don't talk about these differences. It's taboo. It isn't "politically correct" or "nice" to point out how people are different. It's almost like it is a bad thing. I simply point out things that are in common and explain a bit more in depth about who I am and my situation. I am different, and it's awesome. Trust me, I spent an entire semester analyzing the advantages of having TS and how it affects communication. I don't see these advantages being limited to simply Tourette Syndrome. It can be any quirk or difference, from being gay to cancer. I am the one who deals with it every day. I am the expert on what it is like to live with TS, so why should someone else tell me it is sad that I have it, even though I enjoy it, or how my brain works, when I am the only one inside my head?

The results are stunning when this is put into practice. The entire countenance of this frustrated coworker changed, and rather quickly. He realized he had come down very hard on this coworker and vowed to change, showing more patience towards this coworker who was no longer seen for his negative qualities of being "lazy and inconsiderate," but rather as a human being with struggles, just like the rest of us. Me having Tourette Syndrome makes a difference after all. I get to humanize others simply by explaining, not what is going on in their head, but by explaining my own life and what it is like inside my head. I am grateful that I can share inspiring stories, as well as the humorous ones that this blog was started for. As funny as they are, each is an opportunity to change another person's thinking forever. I am a life changer and I can't help it.

FAVORITE!!!

Parties are my favorite. I love being surrounded by awesome people and enjoying their company and getting to know new friends. Especially when new friends get to experience my "alternate personality" AKA Tourette Syndrome. At a recent birthday party for my friend Breanna, I happened to be ticking quite actively.Very few knew what was going on, and the rest didn't have much reaction... that is, until Garrett piped up. After one particularly loud tic, he turned to me and asked,

"Is that your mating call?"

At this point, the few who knew what was going on burst into laughter. I laughed so much I couldn't breathe as he continued,

"Because it's working."

This has to be one of my top favorite reactions, right up there with Alex Denney's song.

Apparently as I continued to tic, he turned to Warren and asked why I do that. Warren explained and apparently Garrett felt really bad. I wish he wouldn't, since it is one of my favorite memories and a great story to tell!! People like this make me happy. People are a favorite, too. And somehow I attract the most awesome people in my life, I just can't help it. :)

Timing is Everything

I have the best time at work. I have so many funny experiences there, and the more it happens, the more I see people loosen up about my Tourette Syndrome and about me in general. I'm kind of weird. The other day I had Chris laughing so hard he almost wound up on the floor. We were sitting in the break room at work and I let out a couple of small tics, no big deal. Then I let out a loud one, which was immediately followed by a burp. I guess being the only woman working in the men's department makes something like that a little more shocking than if you knew me around my family. Of all the noises that I make, I think that was the last one Chris was expecting from me. The tic followed by a burp happens fairly often, and I think it is hilarious to watch how amusing other people find it. It is just like a tic to me, it just happens.

When I explain TS to someone who has never heard of it, I will usually compare it to other bodily functions that just happen like a cough or a sneeze. You can't control them, but you are aware of what is happening. You may even be able to hold back a cough for a while, but not for long, it eventually has to come out. Isn't a burp another one of those bodily functions that just happens? The timing, however, is quite entertaining. My TS certainly has a personality of it's own and the comedic timing is what makes all of my funny stories possible. It's not me, I just can't help it!