My Own Terms

In my last post, I spoke of wondering how often people are annoyed by my sounds when I don't get a good response/story out of Paula. I wanted to do a little bit of follow up on this. Everyone has insecurities. We see the worst in ourselves. In moments of silence, we tend to assume others have the same thoughts. This has been bothering me all day.

You know what the worst part is? These thoughts we are assuming others have about us? The person we are thinking we should be? That person doesn't exist. These rules we should follow aren't real. In fact, the word "should" is a word I've come to dislike. Who says I "should" or "shouldn't" do something? Who says I "should" be a certain way?

I find this word constantly nagging at my soul. It's draining. When that word appears, I become the worst version of myself. I become the most tired, trying to do more than I am capable of doing. I become less happy, not having any time left over for me and self-care. I get irritated more easily, thanks to a lack of sleep and self-care. These words are not me. They are not the best version of me, nor who I want to become. 

I want to be energetic. I want to be happy. I want to be kind. These are labels I cling to. If there is any way I "should be," it is these. I am the one who determines what these mean for me and how to get there. I don't have time to waste trying to figure out what other people are thinking. I have things to do. I have my own person to be. 

More than that, "should" is a lack of action. It implies thinking about something, but lacking the willpower to follow through. I'm tired of this in my life. These are the moments that motivate me and remind me to keep pushing, doing and becoming better. On my own terms.