My little Paula Jean spoke her first sentence! Of course, it was to Addy, one of her favorites at work. It was a very short sentence, but none the less, it was more than her now normal screech of "What." Not only that, but she stole one of my phrases.
Adelana went on a 15 min break. When she returned, Paula cried, "Welcome back!" It's like she missed her or something.
As I was telling my mom this story, she got a little concerned. She was worried about me developing split personalities by referring to my TS as Paula. She is becoming so individual and almost becoming her own person. I had to explain to her that this is not why I call it Paula. I refer to my TS as Paula to show that this is NOT ME doing this. I do not choose the noises I make or when I make them. I don't choose the actions that come from my TS. I did not choose to almost punch my computer at work, but it happened none the less.
Sure, I get along with Paula, but these are not cognitive choices I am making. It has been hard on my parents watching me "grow into" my TS. Most start young. Some grow out of it. I know my situation is unique. I still count myself as one of the lucky ones.
I once read a story about a man who had gone to a TS conference, and met a woman with an even more unusual tic than I had. She started to undo the buttons on this man's shirt! I watched a documentary of a girl, who would strangle herself. Tics are hard. They take a life of their own. Referring to my TS as Paula allows me to see trends. Almost like a personality. I call it Paula to show that these are not my choices.
I. Do. Not. Choose. This.
It happens the same way a normal person would cough or sneeze. It is uncontrollable. Unstoppable. Paula is a force to be reckoned with. I do not choose this, but I do have to deal with it and work with it. I do make a cognitive choice to enjoy it as often as I can.
I like Paula. I would not be who I am with out my TS. I can't picture life without her anymore. She has given me a new perspective and a fresh view of my life in relation to the world around me. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
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I love that you refer to your TS as Paula, for me it really does distinguish the difference and emphasize the reality of your tics. It makes a lot of sense to me! Also I keep imagining Paula "talking" and it makes me giggle!! I love your upbeat, positive attitude Jess. I miss you!
ReplyDeleteMiss you too! And thanks, I'm also kind of a fan of Paula. I just did want to make that distinction and show a bit more of a day in the life of TS. I may think it's fun, but I can see why others struggle with it.
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